Lessons From Gaming: How to Heal

First aid is an important life skill that may prevent you from shuffling off this mortal coil, into the cold embrace of the Grim Reaper where you will remain in anonymous non-existence for all eternity (other afterlives are available). Today we examine various ways to heal yourself after suffering an injury, as taught to us by our beloved games.

Method 1: Eat something

This is the classic video game remedy to physical trauma, encompassing everything from Mario’s mushrooms to Liberty City’s hot dog stands to the mysterious roast chickens that litter the floor in every scrolling beat-em-up, ever. Healing is invariably instantaneous, curing everything from bullet wounds to spinal dislocation in the blink of an eye.

Does it work in real life? Not really, although it probably won’t help you much if you stop eating, either. Trendy middle-class types might argue the medicinal benefits of goji berries, but I’m not sure what good they’ll do you when you’re taking a beating for being smug.

Method 2: Use a medikit

For the most part, gaming medikits work in exactly the same way as food items do: you walk over them, and they immediately work. Does this portrayal suggest that we should actually eat the medikit? I don’t know, but I certainly know it’s preferable to the system presented in 1994 survival sim Robinson’s Requiem, where players had to manually administer syringes of drugs, bandages and antibiotics. I never got anywhere with this game, but I certainly had a lot of fun amputating the hero’s arms and legs.

Does it work in real life? If you have professional medical training, yes. Don’t try the “eat it” method, though; you’ll choke to death on plaster.

Method 3: Do nothing

When we discovered that the antihero in The Getaway could recover health by leaning against a wall for a bit – even in the middle of a massive firefight – we all laughed. Nowadays, most games don’t even force you to do that. Riddled with bullets? Blood all over the screen? Never mind, just have a nice sit down, and everything will be okay. Honestly, things used to be so much harder than this…

Does it work in real life? That depends. If your injuries are minor enough that you won’t bleed to death, then yes, time really will heal all wounds. That said, if you break your leg and decline to go to the hospital, you’ll probably end up with a rather funky limp.

Method 4: Sit in a magical healing pool

While they’re certainly less common than roast chickens or randomly discarded medical kits, some games provide you with magical healing pools that restore your health when you sit in them – Half-Life 1’s Xen has plenty of the blighters. Please remember to shower before you enter the pool, and resist the urge to urinate: it stops the magic from working.

Does it work in real life? No, sitting in a puddle will not cure your ailments. Not unless you’re suffering from Unusually Dry Pants disease.

Method 5: Stand under a light

In Alan Wake, the popular video game about popular writer Alan Wake (who’s a writer), you can heal yourself by sitting under a light. It’s like a magic pool, only it’s a light. Did we mention he’s a writer?

Does it work in real life? No.

Method 6: Have sex with a prostitute

Time and time again, the Grand Theft Auto series has taught us about the health-giving properties of sex with a hooker. In fact, the completion of a cheap prosti-bang will leave you with more health than what you had when you went in (so to speak). Just don’t forget to put your body armour back on when you’re done.

Does it work in real life? We can’t say for certain, but it seems unlikely… especially if you don’t use protection.