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The news arrived this week, like a zesty blast of tangy 2007, that Soulja Boy – that stalwart curator of culture – was cranking out his own line of game consoles. Available in home and handheld variants, these come bulging with built-in games from all walks of life: Switch, 3DS, Vita (it's nice to be thought of), NeoGeo, and something that Mr. Boy referred to as ‘SouljaGames.’ The mind reels. Whether or not Boy succeeds in his enterprise is yet to be seen, but our sources (anonymous, on pain of death) have revealed several projects in the pipeline for other artists.
Robbie Williams
Rumours arising from Robbie Williams’ camp are strange enough to be believed. Supposedly, there is a handheld console in the works, of unknown name, but bearing the tagline ‘Let Me Entertain You Again.’ It’s a strange choice to get in the handheld game at a time like this, with the Switch blurring the line between home and portable gaming, and mobile dominating much of the portable gaming space. On the issue of battery life, leaked design documents claim that ‘Let love be your energy’ was proposed instead of a traditional lithium ion. More on this as it develops.
The Kooks
Rumours abound that The Kooks (a band similarly en vogue in 2007, or thereabouts) are working on releasing a home console called the Konk. The notion of holding sway in the fractured and dazed home console market might sound naive, but then they would be the underdog, so there's no pressure, really. Not much is known about this one, save for frontman Luke Kook's claim that it will play ‘KookyGames.’ How’d you like that?
The Killers
Somebody told us that The Killers were working on a home console offering bundles of 8-bit classics. Lead singer Brandon Flowers is rumoured to have said that he laments the hot fuss of games these days, with their online play and their microtransactions. He wants the console, reportedly called the Spaceman, to remind people of the way it was, when they were young. It’s a solid strategy, in fact – nostalgia is a big seller; you need only look at Kickstarter projects like Yooka-Laylee and Bloodstained to see that.
50 Cent
Not to be outdone by another rapper, Curtis ‘50 Cent’ Jackson has let it be known that he’s working on a portable console called the Wanksta. It’s no surprise, given that 50 Cent: Bulletproof was a smash hit – in particular the G Unit Edition, for the PSP. The console is apparently offering all PSP and Vita games, with the rap superstar claiming that it's powered by ‘Ayo Technology.’ He also revealed his reasons for entering the console market ahead of Soulja Boy, saying, ‘I get money.’ A sobering message for us all.
Avril Lavigne
Avril Lavigne has her head above water, with a new album this year of that very name, but in order to stay truly buoyant, she is working on releasing a portable/home console hybrid. Unconfirmed reports have been floating that it will fittingly be called the Mobile. What’s truly exciting about Lavigne’s console is that it’s exclusively dedicated to skating games – rumour has it that it will include the oft-overlooked Tony Hawk’s American Sk8land, which debuted on the DS. Quizzed on the issue of legality, Lavigne released a statement that read, ‘I always get what I want.’ Fair enough to her.
Nelly
Nelly’s dedicated home console, the E.I. (which reportedly stands for the Electric Illbox) is, according to a statement released by people close to the rapper, ‘powered by Pimp Juice.’ We don’t actually know what that means, but what we do know is that the home console will offer one game: NBA Street Volume 2. The game was Nelly’s first foray into video games, releasing on the PS2, GameCube, and Xbox in 2003. When asked if only offering a single game, and an aged one at that, was wise, Nelly released a statement saying, ‘Playing a good game over and over is perfectly fine. Players will want to ride wit me no matter what.’ We’ll see if this translates to a viable business strategy.
Chris Tarrant
This is certainly the most bizarre, and you’ll no doubt notice that – despite the curious quaver of his vocal patterns – Chris Tarrant isn’t actually a musical artist. That isn’t going to stop Tarrant, nor his home console, the Tiswas, which reportedly specialises in quiz games pulled from platforms of all kinds. Tarrant was apparently questioned on his lack of knowledge in the video games arena, specialising as he did in quiz shows. He responded by saying, ‘It’s not what you know.’ Asked if the Tiswas has a release date, Tarrant responded, ‘We don’t want to give you that!’ Well, he knows how to drum up hype.
