1/10 – Unacceptable
You know one time your mate was like ‘Look, they’ve done these limited edition crisps that are ketchup flavoured and they’re really nice!’ and then you tried one of the ketchup crisps and you lost all the respect you ever had for that friend? This game is a ketchup flavoured crisp i.e. literally nothing about it works, including the premise.
2/10 – An Absolute State
Utterly horrendous. Looks horrible, awful to control, and quite often will have a plodding story with laughable voice acting. It mightn’t break your video game playing device, but it will break your heart as much as humans eligible to vote in 2016 did.
3/10 – A State
This game is pretty terrible, but maybe it has something about it — like maybe a really original mechanic, or it manages to be unintentionally funny so you can still enjoy it if you’re playing it with mates or it’s being streamed on Games Done Quick or something. It’s definitely not a good game, but you won’t entirely hate yourself for playing it.
4/10 – Poor Enough
More a shoddy game redeemed by a few good points rather than a decent game knocked down by a couple of subpar elements. Might contain a few bright spots, but essentially fails more than it succeeds. For every Punch Drunk Love and Wedding Singer that Adam Sandler has, he’s got far more Cobblers, Jack and Jills and Pixels.
5/10 – Average
This game is equally good and bad. Maybe the combat has cool ideas and the setting is great, but the writing is just bad and the controls fight against you. Maybe it’s a good game but marred by bugs and crashes that make it unplayable half the time. Maybe it’s. Just. Fine.
Think of it like a 7/10.
6/10 – Alright, Like
Like a greasy burger on a night out, it’s not exactly innovative and it isn’t going to entirely satiate your hunger. It will, however, fill the gap and be pretty tasty in the moment. You’ll likely enjoy it more than you won’t, but the choice to put tomato in there is questionable.
7/10 – Good
Let’s be clear about this: a 7/10 is a good game. It’s a strong contender that’ll beat a lot of competition and has a bunch of smart choices, but ultimately doesn’t reach its full potential. Imperfect but loveable. Like professional wrestling.
8/10 – Well Good, Mate
Proper quality: wonderful narrative, a breathtaking score, gameplay ideas that make it stand above other titles in its genre. Only a few issues hinder it from reaching that upper echelon, but we’re not talking anything serious like an addiction that rips a family apart. This is top bins, lad.
Your basic 9/10 is going to fulfill almost everything you want from it, and the fact that it’s just missing out on top banana almost pains you because it’s that good otherwise. A 9/10 might be outstripped by a few untouchable titles, but it’s still in the top percentile of what games have to offer.
10/10 – Now, We’re Not Saying This is Perfect, But it Comes With the Highest Recommendation VideoGamer Can Give (Allowing for the Varying Tastes of Individual Reviewers)
A 10 isn’t perfect, as already outlined, but it is one of those significant games that you need to play. It outshines others of its ilk in almost every possible way. Don’t be the loser who has to pretend they’ve played it when all your mates are chatting about it down the pub. Get. On. This.