50 Shades of Grey is currently sweeping the nation with its blend of titillation and excitement. But did you know it was originally written to be Twilight fanfiction? Well, what you might not have known is that, before even that, it was designed to pay homage to Hideo Kojima's 1998 classic Metal Gear Solid.
Using some considerable computer hacking skills we've managed to grab four exclusive extracts from this draft - 50 Shades of Gray Fox - and are publishing them on VideoGamer.com right now. We've cut out some of the raunchier bits, but minors might want to look away - it's going to get a little steamy in here.
I groan with frustration looking at my reflection in the mirror. Oh, my unruly face - I can't get it looking right, and I completely blame Solid Snake for subjecting me to all of this bother after my loyalty to Big Boss caused me and him to fight during the Outer Heaven uprising. I should be focusing on my ninja moves, yet here I am trying to sort out my sort-of robotic hair in the mirror. I yell out to Naomi, my adopted charge who doesn't know I killed her parents, in frustration.
Naomi is ill - she's chosen today, of all days, to get ill with FOXDIE. She can't go and do her work, which is looking after mega-sneaky-commando Solid Snake on Shadow Moses Island. She's convinced me to go in her place - how do I get suckered into things like this?
And more importantly, what on Earth will I do when I get there?
"Snake?" I ask.
"Yes," he says, his manly lips wrapped around a long cigarette.
"Let's see how Solid you really are."
I pull my manly sword out of its sheath with ease. Snake recoils and slivers over to me, talking about atomic blasts with such passion and intensity that I can't help but surrender to him.
He comes at me, but I bat away his hard bullets with ease - who does this man take me for? But when he rushes to grab me with his manly hands I can't resist any longer. We settle into an exhilarating rhythm as we tussle, his blows hitting me deeper and deeper with each strike. Oh Snake, it feels so wrong but so good! I lock eyes with him as he goes over and over and harder and harder. I look at his throbbing wonder and I groan with cybernetic delight. My metal exoskeleton is vibrating so much with raw burning desire that I sound like a tuning fork.
My inner god is putting double helpings of salsa on the meringue. He's leaping into the air with jubilation, smacking his lips together with excitement at the power of Snake's advances. Electrical impulses flood into my belly, and I sizzle with anticipation as I think what he'll do to me.
"That's it, Snake" I groan manically. "Hurt me more," I beg. I'm a quivering mess, with electrical static cruising through my soft veins. My muscles clench, and I scream for Solid Snake to make me feel alive again. I'm consumed by him, and I'm not even in control of the words coming out of my mouth any more.
My climax is so powerful I feel like I've turned invisible, and I flee. Who is this powerful man?
The sensory input of the cockpit is overwhelming me. Liquid Snake's hot fury can be felt in my cheeks, and the rage of our conflict sprays itself over my whole body. The darkest part of me clenches and coils.
"A cornered fox is more dangerous than a jackal!" I scream. Liquid Snake pins me to the wall inside his massive Metal Gear Rex - I didn't know he liked it so rough. I didn't think I would, either. His thumb presses hard on the machine's joystick - this is so wrong, but I know Liquid Snake can fire his railgun harder and faster than anyone else on the planet right now.
Liquid Snake comes out of the cockpit and moves his rippling exposed torso close to me. I can feel his breath on my exoskeleton, and the tip of my sharp blade feels ready to embed itself into his face.
Solid Snake's stinger missile fires right into the cockpit, and I didn't know it would feel like this. I couldn't imagine the explosion feeling like this, wrapping itself around my body, licking at my exoskeleton. I can't think straight, I can't focus... I can only feel its intensity as the stinger comes all over me, and I stiffen thinking about it.
Just before I leave, I turn and stare at Snake and I see the sadness and longing in his eyes.
"Are you really going to give this all up and go back to being a cyber-organic ninja?"
"Why not? It's who I am," I say, shrugging.
Snake shuts his eyes and sparks up another cigarette.
I turn around and keep walking, managing a few steps before he raises his voice to me.
"Please, don't go," he says. "You haven't even seen the railgun of Metal Gear Rex"
"Is that what you're calling it these days?" I say in return. "I can't give you what you need," I add.
He steps closer to me. "Don't you want... to see my amazing tool? It's good enough for the President, who also happens to be a clone of mine. We have amazing tools."
"Snake," I say, "We're not tools of the government, or anyone else. Fighting was the only thing... the only thing I was good at. But... at least I always fought for what I believed in."
I walk away and feel real grief, the pain driving itself deep down into my soul. I had hoped to bring my Fifty Shades of Gray Fox into the limelight, but it turns out not even extensive gene therapy could make that happen. My inner God is furious. The pain from an electrical discharge is nothing compared to the agony of my consciousness, and I give myself up to the sadness that has now consumed my life. How could I have been so stupid?
End of Part One