2016 as (partially) retold through Christmas Carols

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas folks, which is why i’ve taken it upon myself to adapt five of the best-loved yuletide ditties into some brand new video game jingles. Of course, this being an Xmas article, there’s every chance it’s all total nonsense, though I do remain confident that our mutual goodwill, and slight state of intoxication should see us on through regardless. So, here’s to you, and to Christmas, and to the hope that Santa will once again emerge from his hollow, see his shadow and foretell an extra 6 weeks of winter. For that is definitely how it works. Begin!

To the tune of ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’

Hello Games’ No Man’s Sky

The checkout bells are ringing

Hello Games’ No Man’s Sky

My buyer’s remorse stinging

Four-orr-orr-orr-orr, orr-orr-orr-orr, orr-orr-orr-orty quid

How did the previews miss this?

All expectations it’s below

Let faeces now be flungen

An apology they owe

Won’t someone think of the young’ns

Four-orr-orr-orr-orr, orr-orr-orr-orr, orr-orr-orr-orty quid

Sean Murray’s taking the piss

Procedurally-generated slime

Makes Spore look like a winner

Even Leisure Suit 09

Was less of a dog’s dinner

Four-orr-orr-orr-orr, orr-orr-orr-orr, orr-orr-orr-orty quid

I can’t believe they’ve done this.

To the tune of ‘Do you hear what I hear?’

Verse 2

Said the Mancubus to the Acolyte

Do you fear what I fear?

Pulling out our eyes, the Doomguy

Do you fear what I fear?

A song, a song, written in drop D

And a gun that’s B,F and G

Please just don’t spell check it on me

Said the Acolyte to the Demon King

Do you know of our foe?

Herald of hell-spawn’ suffering

Do you know of our foe?

The proud Arch-Vile shivers in the cold

Knowing Doomguy’s gunning for gold

That arcade mode never gets old

Said the King to the demons everywhere,

hark now, hear what I say

Pray for peace, demons everywhere

hark now, hear what I say

Doomguy, Doomguy is spoiling for a fight

He just one-bombed 16 Hell Knights

He’s our scourge, our torment, our blight

To the tune of ‘Away in a Manger’ (Firewatch Spoilers Ahead)

Waylay a Park Ranger

Let’s mess with his head

He’ll contact the police force

If he sees my son’s dead

The stars in the night sky

Don’t shine where he lays

Seems hiking’s not for him

He’s seen better days…

Delilah she’s crowing

How much can he take?

Some teens have gone missing

Best check by the lake

I wish he’d just leave us

As he did with his wife

And stay at his station

Just sit there and type

To the tune of ‘The First Noel’

At first Bombshell, the critics did say

Was a ballsy adventure and some fun to play

But then when at last it came to release

It grated, and stank and was bursting with cheese

Bombshell, Bombshell, Bombshell, Bombshell

Could this be 3D’s deserved death knell?

They f***ed it up, and saw a star

In a pun-spewing loudmouth with a robotic arm

Did no one recall the terrible s***e

That was Bionic Commando, the one from 09?

Bombshell, Bombshell, Bombshell, Bombshell

Please stop now 3D, that sure would be swell.

To the tune of ‘O Holy Night’

My goalies’ s***e, his stats they are declining

Out on the right, complete creative dearth

Long have I played, for rare cards I am pining

Ultimate Team, which cards will I unearth?

A thrill of hope, my crappy deck rejoices

then Chimbonda, Baines, Anew, and Michel Vorm…

Fall on your knees! Oh hear the mocking voices!

Oh right, here’s Clyne, not so bad then after all

To the tune of ‘Joy to the World’

Joy to the world! Team ICO’s done!

Let rooster dogs take wing

Let every heart

Prepare him room

This griffin-like / duck/ pup thing

This sort of rat cat thing

And then there’s that Polynesian Caesar kid

Joy to the world, the fans’ eyes rain

A Guardian and his boy

The shelves they’ll flood

trophies attain

A cuddly collosai

A cuddly collosai

Just one boy and his collosai