Duke Nukem: Manhattan Project does not have the riff-heavy theme song we all remember. This is its first strike. Deciding to use a version that sounds like it was done by the world's worst garage band instead, it's just another reminder that the Arnie-inspired character remains a hero from yesteryear. Oh, how we long for the day someone makes him relevant again. That hope is fading fast...

Essentially the same game that was released over a decade ago for the PC and, later on, XBLA and Steam, it's an incredibly by the numbers platformer that allows Duke to make quips as he shoots at pigs. It would probably be mildly acceptable if it controlled well, but guess what? It really doesn't. That's strike two.

The first thing you notice when Manhattan Project kicks into gear is that there's buttons everywhere. Someone obviously has never heard of the word 'intuitive' because you need an extra finger to even try and make it comfortable - the entire screen is a collection of slightly faded icons. Just because you're porting a game across to a new platform doesn't mean there shouldn't be a conversation about where potential pitfalls are to be overcome. It would stop travesties like this from occurring in the first place.

Admittedly you can plug in a gamepad should you so wish, but do you really want to go to those lengths for this? The answer is no.

Just to hammer that nail into the coffin deep - and bring about the fateful last strike - the whole game is just unbelievably mundane. Every level is essentially identical to the last, relying on such fantastic ideas as 'introduce a new gun on occasion' to justify why the dullness continues. Gees. Thanks.

As ever it also tries and throws microtransactions in your face, but these should be ignored at all costs. Much like Duke Nukem: Manhattan Project itself...

Version tested: iOS(iPhone5). Played for 3 hours