Ahh the Wii. Nintendo's motion-sensing console's certainly mixed things up a bit. With its weird, wavy wand and its "I don't care about graphics so shut up" attitude, hardcore gamers have been left scratching their heads and scrambling for the four or five decent games that have come out on the damn thing. Much has been made of the Wii Remote of course, and how it helps simulate real world actions, like bowling, carving up patients with a scalpel and dreaming, that sort of thing. But really, how well does the Wii compare with real life? VideoGamer.com put the little grey cells in motion to find out.
Real life sport
Real life sport is like free exercise - not like that stuff you do at the gym that's so excruciatingly boring and difficult it makes time go backwards. I'm thinking of Sunday league, five-a-side indoor, tennis courts where posh people hang out on weekends, that sort of thing. But have you ever put your racket down and thought of the danger? I experienced this first hand a couple of years ago when God decided to fire a lightning bolt straight at my left knee while I was casually jogging towards the ball in a five-a-side match. Bye-bye ligaments. Damn you real life sport.
Now this is more like it - safe, secure sports simulation. No risk of injury, and no chance of tearing ligaments. You don't even have to stand up to play, as experienced Wii Sports tennis players will know all too well. And the best thing? On the Wii I have a chance at boxing, golf, baseball and bowling, four sports I'm too embarrassed to attempt in real life. Shove that in your pipe and smoke it reality.
Sorry real life, since my brittle bones and weak ligaments can't be bothered to guarantee my nerves immunity to pain this one goes to the game console. Wii Sports, the safe option, hits a casual backhand down the line to celebrate a conservative victory.
Real life surgery
I've got nothing but respect and wide-eyed admiration for surgeons. With robot-like steady hands and the concentration level of a memory athlete, surgeons carve us up, sort us out and stitch us back together without batting an eye-lid. But think about the responsibility! One mistake and that's it - say bye-bye to life. A mere sneeze, slip or cough could result in a horrible and gruesome death. Do you want that kind of responsibility resting on your shoulders? Didn't think so.
Trauma Center: Second Opinion
Now we're talking - not only is Trauma Center: Second Opinion one of the Wii's best games, it's also one of the best games featuring "something we'd rather do on the Wii than in real life", which is lucky really, considering the subject matter of this Versus. You play as the cocky 26-year-old Dr Stiles, who just loves to show off by saving the lives of his patients. It's your job to carefully use the Wii Remote like it's a real-life scalpel, react to complications and beat the clock. Realistic it is not. Fun it is. The best thing? No-one's going to die by your hands - it's just a game kids!
Who wants the responsibility of having to save lives in real life? Not me. I don't want all those complications, all that blood squirting on my gown and all that puss dripping everywhere. All I want is to sit in my comfy chair at home and pretend to save lives. Call me a coward all you want, I don't care. As far as I'm concerned, this is one profession best left to the, er, professionals.
Real life party
That's right. That word up there does indeed say party. Do you know what it means? Going by what your average Joe on the street thinks of us gamers, you don't. But we all know what party means. It means awkward small talk, thinking you have a chance when you really don't, £4 bottles of beer that end up down your £250 Topman shirt, freezing your tits off waiting for a night bus, three hour journeys on the night bus, the dreaded spins, choking on your own vomit, two hours sleep, a banging hangover, thinking about phoning in sick, deciding against it and then having to do a full day's work. Think Skins but without the fit thin people. That's what the word party means to us.
Mario Party 8
Given our opinion of parties above, partying on the Wii would have to be pretty bad to lose out right? Well Mario Party 8 is pretty bad and then some. The core gameplay is so mind-numbingly dull that you'd get more kicks out of waiting for a kettle to boil and watching paint dry all at the same time. Nintendo would have us believe that you can have a banging night in with its casual oriented console. That might be true, but not with Mario Party 8.
Despite our complete lack of social skills, natural aversion to loud music and a show-on-demand sick note when it comes to strobe lighting, we'd rather queue for an hour to get in a club, queue another hour to get a drink and then have it knocked out of our hands by a drunken chav than stay in to party on the Wii. This one goes to real life.
Real life chess
We might have lumped this one in with real life sport but we all know that it's not - and is only classed as such so the nerd horde feels better about itself. Chess is that game you know how to play but dare not try, because it's punishable by death. That may or may not be true, but it's certainly possible. I wouldn't know. I've never tried it. Real life chess involves real people, which is always a negative, and they often take ABSOLUTELY AGES to make a move. This, more often than not, is in the hope that you'll briefly fall asleep, providing a window of opportunity for the cheating scumbag to rearrange the pieces and corner you in a devilish check mate. We're quite glad when this happens, since it puts us out of our misery.
Wii Chess is, at the end of the day, chess, but it's better than its real life counterpart in so many ways. One: you can play naked. Two: you don't have to leave your bedroom (online play is included). Three: the computer makes its move straight away, negating the excruciatingly boring wait for your real life opponent to spark his or her brain into life and do something. Of the three, we're most interested in number one of course. Doing something naked is always better than doing it clothed. ALWAYS.
Wii Chess is, indeed, better than real life chess. Getting your chess freak on with pawns, kings and queens without exposing yourself to the public = a glorious win.
Real life dreams
Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston, Girls Aloud, Maria Sharapova, Eva Longoria, Beyonce, Mercedes from Hollyoaks, that French bird from the Marks & Spencer ad and that girl with the nice stomach from Transformers. I can meet all these women, sometimes more than one at a time, in my dreams. Even better, the odd Chelsea FC player often drops in for a chat too. I rest my case (and my sleepy head on a pillow).
NiGHTS: Journey of Dreams
NiGHTS on Wii is a good game for sure, much better than most of the third-party tripe on the console, and it's particularly dream like, with mesmerising music, lovely flying sections and a strange purple jester for a main character. But is it as good as a real life dream can be? Can anything be as good as a real life dream? Interesting.
Until Nintendo releases a NiGHTS game which features all of the women mentioned above as well as the entire Chelsea FC football team, real life dreams will always win over NiGHTS: Journey of Dreams. No contest.
The Wii VS Real life: the final verdict
With a three to two score line, the Wii wins it, proving once and for all that the Wii is better than real life. While it's not better than real life partying or real life dreaming, it's better than real life sports, chess and surgery. So power your Wii on, close the curtains and fill the cupboards with tins of beans - real life is so overrated.