Trailer Park: Resident Evil 6

This is Nick Hewer, who used to be on The Apprentice. No, wait – it’s the late Bob Holness, the legend who used to present Blockbusters. But he’s dead, isn’t he? OH GOD, IT’S ZOMBIE BOB HOLNESS!

Actually, it’s the President of the USA. Does that mean the game will have political undertones? If so, it can only be better than Resi 5, where the subtext amounted to Chris Redfield growling about terrorists as he gurned over his biceps.

Oh look, our little Leon S Kennedy is all grown up! Peer in close to your monitor, and you might make out the faintest trace of a ‘tache on his upper lip. Leon has actually been trying to grow a mo’ since the end of Resident Evil 4; when it comes to growing facial hair, he’s as slow as Martin, VideoGamer.com’s resident man-child. Actually, Resident Man-Child might make quite a good game.

Also, ex-VGer Jamin Smith bet me a beer that Leon wouldn’t be in this game. He now owes me a drink.

Don’t ask me who this is. Apparently her name can already be found on some Japanese blog or another, but only if you’ve found the secret QR code that was hidden upside-down in the graffiti that appears at Vauxhall station when there’s a full moon. Honestly, this viral marketing stuff does my swede in.

Note Leon’s excellent work in this scene. He lets Bob Holness attack his female companion, shouts a verbal warning, and then finally gets around to taking a shot. No wonder he was only a cop for one day. Then again, we can’t see what’s going on at this point, so maybe I’ve got the wrong end of the stick. I usually do…

Using my incredible deductive powers, I’m going to guess that this place is called Tall Oaks. Why? Because a) that’s what it said on the sign a moment ago, and b) because there are trees in this shot, and “Tall Oaks” is a typically unimaginative name for a tree-based game location.

So, trees and zombies, eh? Looks like Resident Evil 6 might be a Richard Ippoff of Alan Wake!

Why is it so dark in here? It makes sense that it would be dark in the forest, or the bit with Bob Holness (revenue from Blockbusters re-runs only goes so far, so he’s probably cheap with his bills) – but this is clearly some kind of office for the Secret Service! They can afford to run computers, so for pity’s sake, turn a bloody light on! No wonder this poor girl is wearing glasses. And I bet they’ve not given a wrist support, either.

“This is Raccoon City all over again!” exclaims Leon. That’s a comment that could come back to bite the game in the arse, come review time.

In a unique twist, Resident Evil 6 doesn’t actually feature proper gun combat. Instead, Leon subdues the zombies using his soothing Tai Chi Skills.

Actually, the next 10 seconds or so are rather promising. Classic Resi 4-style hijinks in a variety of interesting settings. I can go for that.

“FROM THIS POINT ON ALL THE ZOMBIES HAVE GUNS? ARE YOU SERIOUS? I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY PULLED THAT BULLSH*T AGAIN!”

Okay, this is promising. The scenery is amazing, and Chris Redfield is roughing up a cameraman. It’s so edgy! So very Commander Shepard. And in a minute, he’s bound to start fighting some kind of crazy-ass monster, one we’ve never seen before…

…Ah, b*llocks.

I like this guy, though. He seems like a wise-ass, and he seems to be more concerned with making money than with saving the world. That’s exactly the kind of attitude we need for a sequel.

Seriously though, this guy has potential. While I’m happy about winning my bet with Jamin, the series could do with a new protagonist – and we all know that a cynical anti-hero is way more fun than a Goody Two-Shoes.

I’m definitely pleased with this guy, too. I don’t know what’s been going down on the set of The Dark Knight rises, but I love what Christopher Nolan has done to Tom Hardy.

This is what Resi should be all about: not anonymous enemies with guns, but massive freaks of nature, threatening to ruin your sh*t.

“OOOOH! I’m SO excited to be in Resident Evil 6! My cousin was in the second game, you know and I was SOOOOO jealous! I never thought they’d do policemen again, but they did – and now I’m gonna be in it! EEEEEEH!”

It’s alright, Chris – I have a headache too. It all went a bit Baz Luhrmann for a minute, didn’t it? Let’s take a break from all the flashing images, have a sit down and a nice cup of tea…