Top 10: Instruments we want for Rock Band 3

The original Rock Band was pretty revolutionary in terms of console accessories, offering deep-pocketed gamers the chance to croon into a mic, jam on a Fender Stratocaster, or bash seven shades out of an 80s-style drumkit. Rock Band 2, out this September, will add a larger set of drums to the mix – but that’s not enough for us. We’re already dreaming about the possibilities for Rock Band 3. Read on to discover the 10 instruments we’d most like to see included in future instalments.

10. A Grand Piano

It probably wouldn’t be that hard to engineer some form of lightweight keyboard – but then where would the fun be in that? We want a full-sized grand piano – something so big that it completely dominates your living room. Just think about how much hassle it will be getting the damn thing back from the shops – everyone will notice you struggling under the weight of a massive box, and then they’ll know how rich you are. Once set up, you’ll be able to tinkle away to tracks like Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata, or the complete works of Elton John. It could even come with its own piano stool (r.r.p £79.99).

9. A Harp

Now this is a classy idea: rather than featuring strings, the Rock Band harp would feature sophisticated lasers to detect the movements of a player’s fingers, allowing them to plink away at a sweet selection of angelic melodies. The bundled tracks would basically consist of all the irritating background music you’ve ever heard at weddings, corporate events and New Age soap shops. Excessive use of the harp-lasers might lead to severe radiation burns – but when you’re not using it for games, the device could also function as a sort of uber-powered fly zapper.

8. A Banjo and a Kazoo

You see where we’re going with this, surely? You take up the banjo, your mate pops the expensive Bluetooth kazoo into his mouth, and together you set about recreating the theme music to Rare’s best-selling bear-and-a-bird platform games. Real-world kazoos sound rubbish, so the Rock Band version would have buttons to add sound effects like reverb and distortion – in fact, it might be quite cool to have a pedal for triggering these things. Meanwhile the banjo would come complete with a pair of freebies: a soiled pair of dungarees and the keys to a ratty old wooden shack, located way out in the swamp. Squeal, piggy!

7. A Giant Recorder

If you remember this instrument, you probably had one at school – when was the last time you saw one anywhere else? There’s a clear reason why so few bands use recorders: they look and sound crap. However, they do possess one clear strong point, in that they make excellent weapons. So, within the context of Rock Band, we reckon that a Giant Recorder would prove to be very useful when one of your mates is hogging the guitar or taking up too much space on the sofa. Just whip out your musical club and beat them about the head until they give in to your demands. Job done!

6. A Gong

Add a taste of the Far East to your jam sessions, with an electronic gong and stand! Everyone likes to hit large piece of metal with a hammer, but we admit that there’s not an awful lot of scope for fitting this action into a fast paced rhythm game. Therefore, to get the most out of this peripheral, Harmonix should add a whole load of new mini-games to Rock Band 3. These could include a game where you summon people to dinner, and a challenge where you judge a Britain’s Got Talent-style competition. You could also use the gong to add a ceremonial edge to beat-em-up competitions, or, if your house regularly receives royal visitors, it could be used to announce the arrival of a King.

5. A Rainstick

An ever-popular instrument with the hippie crowd, the South American Rainstick could bring the Rock Band series closer to nature. The real thing consists of a long and hollow tube filled with tiny beans; when you tip the stick upside down, the pellets fall to the other end, creating a unique noise. Of course, modern technology means we no longer have to rely on beans to recreate the sound of rain. Our Rock Band rainstick would use the world’s most technically advanced sound cards, carefully smashed into tiny pieces and sealed inside an old wooden tube. The stick could be used to play along to The Doors’ classic, Riders On The Storm – and to any other rain-based tunes that might exist (we couldn’t think of any).

4. A Set of Bagpipes

What better way to pay tribute to Scotland’s musical heritage than with a day-glo set of plastic bagpipes? Made with real goat skin, the wheezing whinge-sack could be used to give a brand new slant on hits like Purple Haze’s Smoke On The Water and Jimi Hendrix’s Voodoo Child. Alright, so it would sound terrible, but it would give you a brilliant way to piss off your neighbours in the middle of the night. It also gives all you sexually-insecure guys out there an excuse to wear a skirt – go on, you know you want to!

3. A Triangle

Harmonix actually wanted to include a triangle with the original Rock Band, but at the time it was just too difficult to fit the required technology into a hand-held accessory. However, the ongoing march of technology means that such a device may be possible by the time Rock Band 3 is developed. On the basis of the early prototype we’ve seen, the Triangle will require the use of 18 AA-size batteries, six of which will fit into the small wand used to beat the instrument. Unfortunately this cumbersome power supply makes the peripheral extremely heavy, so it’s likely that two players will need to work together if the instrument is to be used properly.

2. A Church Organ

This is the most expensive instrument on our wish list, with an estimated retail price of over £800,000. This is due to the fact that the Church Organ would come bundled with an actual church. Availability of the complete package would therefore be limited, and prices would vary depending on the state of the national housing market. Players lucky enough to get the complete setup would gain access to some superb acoustics, the friendship of a local vicar and a weekly car-boot sale. There might also be some form of Achievements or Trophies available for players who successfully fill their church on a Sunday.

1. Hand Claps

We Will Rock You by Queen; Rock The Kasbah by The Clash; Hey Ya! by OutKast… there’s no end to the list of excellent tunes which feature hand claps, so why can’t they be featured in Rock Band? After several minutes of consideration, we’ve decided that the best way for this to work would be to build two large foam hands containing infra-red sensors. When brought together at speed, a thunderous clapping would emanate from speakers on the back of the gloves – perfectly emulating the slapping of flesh on flesh. Trust us on this: if Harmonix follow our advice, half the UK public will be wearing these by Christmas 2009, flailing their arms like a pack of drunken sea lions.

What new instruments would you like to see included with Rock Band 3? Let us know and we’ll pass on your suggestions to Harmonix (perhaps).