Top 10 Fantasy Guitar Heroes

There seems to be a growing belief that the Guitar Hero franchise – and indeed the music genre – is getting a bit stale. There are only so many Guitar Hero expansions you can take before you’re all Guitar Hero-ed out. BUT! We have come to save the Guitar Hero franchise from eternal damnation, with ten incredible ideas for new Guitar Hero games. From Guitar Hero: Footie to Guitar Hero: Sexy Time, all ten are guaranteed awesome sauce. Now… how do we copyright this stuff?

Guitar Hero: Pop Princesses

This one’s more for the young girls, but, as is the first rule of nightclub promotion: get the ladies in for free and the lads will follow and spend their hard-earned cash. So, who’s on the disc? Some early Madonna would be good. The lovely Girls Aloud (Cheryl Cole could do a number or two on her own, then pull Sarah Harding’s hair out) wouldn’t go amiss. We’d have to include some established pap: Britney, Christina, and Avril, and some up and coming pap: Katy Perry (the human Curly Wurly that is Russell Brand tapping his foot in the wings), Lady Gaga (although she’s more of a pop prince) and the hot pants-loving Pixie Lott.

Guitar Hero: Footie

“Nessun dorma” by massive Italian Pavarotti wouldn’t work of course, but Euro 96 anthem “Three Lions” by Scouse indie outfit The Lightning Seeds would, and so would New Order’s brilliant “World In Motion”, John Barnes rap and all. In fact, there are loads of wicked(-ley bad) football songs that would make Guitar Hero: Football an essential purchase. There’s the Three Lions sequel, the cleverly titled “Three Lions 98”, released to drum up misguided hype for the 1998 World Cup. There’s “On Top Of The World”, written by Ian McCulloch of Echo and the Bunnymen and ex-Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr. Then there’s “Vindaloo”, by comedian Keith Allen and artist Damien Hirst. And let’s not forget all those awful FA Cup songs from years gone by, including “Pass & Move (It’s the Liverpool Groove)”, which somehow reached number four in the UK singles charts in 1996.

Guitar Hero: Eighties Cartoons

All together now: “Thundercats are on the move, Thundercats are loose, Feel the magic, hear the Roar, Thundercats are loose.” And: “The Transformers, More than meets the eye. Autobots wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons.” And what about: “Defenders of the Earth, Defenders! Out of the sky his rockets ignite! Jets into battle, flies faster than light! Flash Gordon!” Are chills running down your spine? Are memories of simpler, more fun times flooding back? Are you heading to YouTube to watch old episodes of Bravestarr? Of course you are. And that’s why Guitar Hero: Eighties Cartoons would work.

Guitar Hero: I Can’t Believe They’re Still Going

We’re not trying to be morbid, but really, there are a few old rockers out there who are, frankly, too old to be rocking. But that doesn’t mean a collection of their greatest hits slapped onto a Guitar Hero expansion wouldn’t be packed to bursting with classic awesome. So, who’s on the disc? Well, you’d have to have The Rolling Stones, who have been going for a gravity-defying 48 years. The Who have been going for 46 years, but, as their performance during the Super Bowl halftime show proved, they’ve still got it. But what about the rockers who aren’t ancient, but continue to defy death’s door? Pete Doherty, Amy Winehouse, Axl Rose, and Ozzy Osbourne – we’re looking at all of you.

Guitar Hero: Depression

It would be too easy to say Radiohead, Muse (who are, basically, Radiohead), My Chemical Romance, Antony and the Johnsons, The Smiths, The Cure, Staind, Leonard Cohen, Damien Rice… you know what? Screw it. It is too easy because it’s true. Now, we love all of these bands/acts – we don’t love Staind – but you have to admit, they’re pretty depressing. That’s fine too – the odd sob is good for the soul. But imagine a whole Guitar Hero expansion full of tearjerkers? Not sure you’d want to bust it out post pub.

Guitar Hero: Brit Pop

This one would be great: you’d have to put down the guitar peripheral and wait for Liam and Noel Gallagher to stop fighting. Or you’d have to stop banging the drums because Damon Albarn decides he’d rather sing in a virtual band instead of a real one (in a video game – it would be a post-modern moment). All the classics would be in the game: Suede, Pulp, Supergrass, Sleeper, Elastica, The Lightning Seeds and The Manic Street Preachers. Wouldn’t it be great? In between songs we’ll swig Hooch, rave about Alan Shearer, and foolishly believe that “Things Can Only Get Better”. Guitar Hero: Brit Pop comes with a bonus peripheral: a 100 quid Kangol coat from River Island.

Guitar Hero: Jingles

Like Natal, the Arc and dark matter, the possibilities are endless. “WE BUY ANY CAR! dot com. WE BUY ANY CAR!” “One one eight, twentyfour seven…” “Go Compare!! Go compare!!” And, the greatest of them all: “0891 FIFTY! FIFTY! FIFTY! 0891 FIFTY FIFTY FIFTY!” To be honest, most of these jingles wouldn’t translate particularly well to the Guitar Hero band peripheral set up, but wait! We know one that would work, and it’s the GREATEST ADVERT OF ALL TIME: the drumming gorilla. Imagine playing the drums to that! Guitar Hero: Jingles: the most annoying, but fun, game of all time. (Includes 800 MS Point downloadable gorilla outfit).

Guitar Hero: Sexy Time

Guitar Hero’s great because it’s an accessible, fun party game. It’s not great, however, for getting the old girlfriend “in the mood”. Guitar Hero: Sexy time changes all of that. The track list includes sultry greats: “Let’s Get It On” and “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye, “Dirty Diana” by Michael Jackson, “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak, “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Nineties boy band Color Me Badd, “Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon, “Purple Rain” by Prince and, of course, the explicit “Closer”, by Nine Inch Nails. Now, the useful thing about all of this is that, assuming your dulcet tones have done the trick, you can dump the mic and let the song play on its own, leaving you to get down to the good stuff. Just remember: don’t strip as you sing. Never strip as you sing.

Guitar Hero: Free with the Mail on Sunday

You know the kind of stuff we’re talking about: inoffensive rock and roll from yesteryear aimed at middle England. It’s the kind of stuff Sunday newspapers give away free to try and convince people to stop reading news on the internet for free and spend their hard-earned cash on dead trees. In this Guitar Hero expansion, you’ll find some Sir Paul McCartney, Pet Shop Boys Greatest Hits, Chris Rea, and The Sound of Music Soundtrack (wouldn’t My Favourite Things be wicked?). Comes with a sensationalist headline.

Guitar Hero: esure Edition

Sit back, relax and calm down dear.