Super Smash Bros. Ultimate: The characters we need

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate came out two weeks back, allowing players to dutifully beat their beloved characters round the head in the hopes of, well, killing them. (what happens to them in that limbo, lurking outside the firmament?) With each match there is the chance to unlock another, with a total of 76 waiting for you. In the face of such generosity, such all-encompassing rigour, what have we to do? Well, how about we dwell on some of the characters criminally left out? Excellent.

Tetromino (default T-shape)

B – S-shape
Up + B – Line
Down + B – Square
Side + B – L-shape

Video games have their share of icons – red-hatted, green-armoured, crowbar-wielders that adorn front covers and scroll past the eyes, in a blur, on buses. Few of them bore their way onto the insides of our eyelids. The five shapes of Tetris are the original all-star cast; better written than the van der Linde gang, imbued with superior powers to The Avengers, and capable of more moving harmonies (especially in Tetris Effect) than even The Spice Girls.

Weighted Companion Cube

B – Continue to be a cube
Up + B – Continue to be a cube
Down + B – Continue to be a cube
Side + B – Continue to be a cube

There may be an argument to suggest the Weighted Companion Cube be included as an Assist Trophy, or, failing that, an item, fit for hurling at foes or using defensively. But just as it earned a place as one of the best supporting characters in game history, it deserves recognition in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. Fittingly, the Weighted Companion Cube should be impervious to damage, able to strike people, but unable to inflict damage when doing so – thus requiring of, and providing, companionship and assistance.

Senu 

B – Peck
Up + B – Rising Wing
Down + B – Swoop of Faith
Side + B – Parkour Wing Flap

Always the unsung heroes, the faithful eagles, which have served the Assassin order well, really came into their own with Assassin’s Creed Origins. Senu was Bayek’s faithful sidekick, doubling as an ancient Egyptian spy drone whenever necessary, and naughty enough to swoop down and deliver a swift peck to a guard’s eyes. Such a devilish avian bastard belongs in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, where its mix of aerial flappage, divebombs, and pecks would prove a pain for all.

The FIFA Football

B – Generate spin
Up + B – dart up
Down + B – Dart down
Side + B – Thriker

Talk about hiding in plain sight. The protagonist of 35 FIFA games, the football has brought more emotional highs and lows to more people than Kratos, Joel, Ellie, Ico, both brothers from Brothers, and all the Greenbriars combined. The advantage of playing as the ball would be its outrageous versatility, able to spin and dart in different directions for quick hits with its B-moves, and stay airborne – Kirby-style – with kick-ups. In a neat twist, the ball would only take damage if other players kick it while it’s in the middle of a B-move.

Nintendo Labo

B – Fishing Rod
Up + B – Robot Jump
Down + B – Piano
Side + B – Motorbike

There are, as many are aware, woefully underrepresented Nintendo characters – and new ones at that. Top of the list is surely Nintendo Labo, a product that takes the humble cardboard box – which itself stood in, with a little imagination, for actual toys – and turns it into one. Water damage would be a massive issue, but changeability would make up for it – imagine taking the form of a piano in mid-air and busting down on Yoshi's stupid head. Long overdue.

There is of course one Nintendo character that’s long been neglected and long been the subject of controversy. A divisive, love-him-or-hate-him character that’s always been at lurking, floating, at the periphery of Nintendo’s best characters. I speak, of course, of…

Tingle

B – Make little tingle noise
Up + B – Tingle Balloon
Down + B – Drop Tingle Bottle
Side + B – throw the Tingle Tuner at people

In a sense, Tingle is the true hero of The Legend of Zelda games. He’s not only dressed in a better green outfit than Link ever was, but he’s wearing red pants over the top for some reason. On top of that, he cleaves to the old adage of the pen being mightier than the sword, opting for a fountain pen and a clipboard. He was a bureaucrat this whole time – long before Lucas Pope made that cool. I’d go so far as to say that Tingle is not only the best Nintendo character not to feature in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate; he’s the best Nintendo character full stop.