For me, the thrill of seeing Shaggy Rogers rear his nervous head in Mortal Kombat is wildly inappropriate: there’s some inky corner of me that wants to see his head ripped off by Scorpion. Imagine the gang rolling into Outworld, the Mystery Machine reaching its final destination, and attempting to unmask the fiery ninja; they find that it wasn’t really the jaded janitor at all, that in fact it really was an ill-intentioned skeleton that would swiftly end their lives. Jinkies! I don’t think Hanna-Barbera would go for it. Here are a few other things I've always wanted to see happen.
Arthur in Fallout
‘Everyday when you’re walking down the street, everybody that you meet has an original point of view!’ A comforting thought, but if Arthur, the chirpy aardvark who has chaperoned many a lazy afternoon, hopes to make his way in Fallout’s barren wasteland, he’d better prepare himself for the point of view of a Raider or a Mirelurk – both of whom would like to see him dead, with either empty pockets or empty innards.
Postman Pat (and Jess) in Postal
Well, look, we both know this gets dark, and it gets dark fast, but I think we can all agree that it’s a place Pat (and Jess) need to go.
Dora the Explorer in Tomb Raider
I don’t hate Dora, but I do doubt her credentials. Exploring isn’t all fun and valuable life lessons; sometimes it’s grim and gruelling, an uphill struggle in freezing rain or an afternoon spent hacking away at the undergrowth with a machete. I wonder how Dora would fare if she were whisked to the jungles of Paititi in some dark DLC for Shadow of the Tomb Raider. Would she stay as chipper in the face of a panther, I wonder? Or would she swing so merrily on vines if there were pits lined with wooden stakes, like open jaws, waiting below to catch her? Let’s see.
Bananas in Pyjamas in Fruit Ninja
I feel the title capably expresses my sentiments.
Peppa Pig in Little Nightmares
I’ve long harboured resentment toward Peppa Pig. It’s the dress, the little shoes, the smile. It’s also the way Peppa sees fit to live her life: an existence of playgroups, swimming adventures, visiting friends and grandparents, even riding bikes. I think a jaunt to the Maw, the all-consuming prison-abattoir of Little Nightmares – which taught its hero, Six, the value of keeping quiet and out of sight – would teach Peppa the grim realities of industrial farming, a sobering thought to prepare the bright-eyed young piglet for the wider world.
My Little Pony in Red Redemption 2
While on the subject of animals who have bounded over the farmyard fence, the heroes of My Little Pony – specifically those of the Friendship Is Magic series – could do with a dose of the frontier. Let’s see if Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie keep their spirits high on the rugged plains of New Hanover and Amarillo. Broken, tamed, put to work, or blown up with dynamite: the west was no place for a horse to be so damn chipper. And the chance to see the gruff Arthur Morgan spur a friendship with Fluttershy is too delicious to pass up. Let’s petition for some single player DLC for Red Dead Redemption 2 and see how far we get.
Thomas the Tank Engine in Train Simulator 2019
At this point in the list, you will have realised that I seem quite cynical. It wasn’t always this way, and I am also prone to periods to delirious happiness. Adult life takes hold, and the grey spots in one’s soul begin to show – none are more drab and depressing than my stints on London's railways. Since moving here, any notions of cheery trains chugging steam and smiling away have been banished and replaced with delays, bottlenecking, signal failures, and those periods of purgatorial oblivion where your train lingers just before a stop, with no announcement to say why. Let’s have Thomas (and his friends) in Train Simulator, so we can subject him to the myriad miseries that await on the rails.
Now that I’ve let off some of that steam, I’m off to immerse myself in the unstoppably happy world of Kingdom Hearts. See, I can enjoy life.