Acting Captain: How does FIFA 17’s Harry Kane compare to the game’s greatest thespians?

Footballers, acting in a video game? Crikey. What a time to be alive, ey? What’s next? Chimp managers? Mecha-Hodgson? Trophies that lift us? Alright fine, maybe Harry Kane’s big acting bow wasn’t quite as seismic as all that. In fact, England’s number 9 cut rather a forlorn figure as part of FIFA 17’s new Journey mode. I can’t say i blame him really, what with EA shipping him off to any old club as per the needs of the story. Poor Harry, from golden boot to shoe store sock.

Now assuming that you don’t pick Spurs to start, Kane will eventually turn up to your training ground looking for a bloody good chinwag. Sadly, he elects to do so with all the enthusiasm of an Andy Gray at a women’s lib meeting. He’s not so much terrible here as he is entirely vacant — a glassy eyed goon likely wowed by EA’s decision to cast Andrew Lloyd Webber as your agent. Of course, this being a worldwide release, Kane isn’t the only offender. Cover boy Marco Reus is equally bland, whilst Angel Di Maria brings the same level of commitment to his role as he once did to Manchester United.

With these sorts of sporting star turns only increasing (what are the odds we’ll see Ron Atkinson ‘upping the realism’ as part of Mafia 3?) perhaps now would be a good time to remind the folks at EA that not all footballer/actors were created equal. Consider if you will —

Ally McCoist (A Shot at Glory)

Where Harry’s avatar often talks like he’s sheltering a small bird under his tongue, Ally McCoist babbles on like a man deathly afraid to spit out his Listerine. That’s not to say McCoist gives a bad performance here, he’s actually halfway decent as the film’s big-time Celtic striker turned lower league ringer. Indeed, he makes a far better go of the whole ‘legitimate Scottish accent’ thing than poor Robert Duvall, who appears to have confused the charming gaelic brogue with a malfunctioning German robot.

Better than Kane? Absolutely

David Beckham (Goal)

Word on the street is that old golden balls once briefly considered a career in film. Too bad his famously timid timbre all but scuppered that. Then again, Becks is scheduled to appear in Guy Ritchie’s upcoming King Arthur flick, presumably as the voice of a slowly-deflating bag-pipe, or a kindly mouse. Before that however, Lord haircut kicked things off with 2005’s Goal! — the story of an L.A. youth who defies the odds, lives the dream and then moves to Newcastle United. Beckham showed up about halfway through proceedings, imparting some much-needed words of encouragement to the startled Santiago. That said, between his constant head shaking and forced grin i’d imagine Victoria had a gun on him the entire time. See also — Alan Shearer’s brief cameo as an alien bodysnatcher desperately trying to emulate human behaviour.

Better than Kane? Yes, just about.

Vinnie Jones (X-Men 3: The S***tening)

Good old Vin, I don’t know a man who has a bad word to say about him. I did, mind you, though it’s safe to say none of them are coming back at this point — not unless they’ve figured out how to breathe through concrete, or un-bludgeon their own skulls. What i’m saying here is that Vinnie Jones has earned himself a reputation as the consummate cockney hard man. Too bad that he later tried to parlay said cred into the role of X-Men’s villainous Juggernaut. To call him a mere meme machine might be going a bit far, but it’s a good pun damn it and i’m sticking with it. That said, he really only showed up to scream mild profanities at Ellen Page and acknowledge an absurdly popular YouTube gag.

Better than Kane? By a landslide

Eric Cantona (Looking for Eric)

If causing actual bodily harm somehow garnered you oscar nods then Matthew Broderick would clearly clean up — though Eric Cantona might well take second. This high-kicking Frenchman made the trade from football to acting in the mid-1990s and hasn’t looked back since. Well, i suppose he has looked back a little, sort of while puffing his chest out and popping his collar. It’s just a thing he does, ignore it and let’s move on. Of all ‘The King’s films, 2009’s Looking for Eric was perhaps the best yet, a heartwarming tale of finding happiness in football, and talking to a gruff imaginary Gaul. Cantona received strong reviews for his contribution, which is more than can be said for Harry Kane at a certain international tournament…

Better than Kane? Oui. Où est la gare, s’il vous plaît?

Stan Collymore – Basic Instinct 2

Nope, not touching this one with a barge pole. It’s a film about Stan Collymore, and women. Stan Collymore, and women. Write your own jokes, people.

Better than Kane? At acting? Probably

Honourable Mentions

Gun of the Black Sun – Ian Wright

Pele & Bobby Moore – Escape to Victory