Top 10: Ways GTA 4 haters can escape the chaos

Whoopee doo. GTA 4 is released next week. While it’s sure to cause more of a stir than the second coming, there are some gamers, the ones who tend to hide in caves and bury their heads in sand, who can think of nothing worse than pumping hundreds of hours into an open world gangster sim. Are you one of these people? Are you completely nonplussed by the hype surrounding Rockstar’s much talked about sequel? Do those stylish TV ads make you leap for the TV remote faster than when your Mum walks in on you watching the 10 minute free view on Playboy TV? Well, we haven’t forgotten about you. Read on for VideoGamer.com’s Top 10: Ways GTA 4 haters can escape the chaos.

Clean

It’s spring, which can only mean one thing: time to clean. Quite why Rockstar decided to release GTA 4 during the cleaning season is beyond us. Noobs. If you have a mind of your own and will resist falling in line with the millions of murdering lemmings on Tuesday, then make good use of your spare time by preparing for summer. Get rid of all that clutter, let the light flow into your house and open all the windows for a fresh spring breeze. While others dirty their moral fibre, grow bed sores and develop an aversion to natural light, you’ll be cleansing your soul. Now breathe.

Play Wii Sports

Everyone knows that Wii Sports is the only true next-gen console game, so it’s only right that you counter the launch of this so called next-gen GTA with some straight down the line fun gaming. Sure, there are mini-games in GTA 4, but can any really complete with the physical brilliance of Wii Sports Bowling, Boxing, Tennis, Baseball and Golf? We don’t think so. Invite some other GTA hating friends over and play multiplayer face to face – there’s no need to hide behind an internet connection.

Go to a petting Zoo

Cute animals are sure to diffuse even the most violent of situations with their fuzzy wuzzy looks, adorable purrs and down right irresistible eyes. And what could be more violent than the release of bona-fide killing sim GTA 4? If those cards depicting bunnies in a bowler hat and kittens playing Frisbee aren’t sufficiently calming, a trip to your local petting zoo might be in order. A petting zoo differentiates itself from a standard zoo by not having any dangerous animals, so there’s no danger of being eaten alive by a crazed mistreated lion. You might have to contend with some noisy lambs, but they’re unlikely to go straight for your jugular. Niko, however, probably will.

Countryside walk

If the thought of players casually cruising around the busy urban setting of Liberty City pumping banging beats out like those boy racers in Tonbridge Wells is simply too much to take, and the virtual carbon foot print it surely causes is giving you nightmares, then the countryside is for you. Even if you live in a built up area, you’re probably not far from a nature trail or nature reserve. Find a big hill and just walk up it. Once you reach the top look down on all below you and laugh at your superior walking skills. You don’t need petrol guzzling machines to live. Or car jacking skills to go round the corner to the next mission.

Volunteer as a police community officer

Does it get your back up when someone drops litter? Is all that chewing gum covering the pavement just one more step towards global ruin? Do you hate it when kids cycle on the pavement? When hoodies blast insufferable music on the bus do you imagine yourself walking up to them, snatching the offending article from their grasp and tossing it out of the window? If the answer to any of the above is yes, then it’s unlikely you’re going to like the wrong doings taking place GTA 4. But all is not lost. Make up for people’s virtual sins by becoming a Special Constable in real life and start to make a difference. You might not be busting anyone for drug trafficking or murdering prostitutes, but those littering cretins will need to watch their backs.

Work

Do you enjoy your job? No? OK, let us rephrase that. Do you find it satisfying when you’ve got stuff done, what men in suits like to call “being productive”? Yes? Great. Because you’re about to enjoy the best opportunity you’ve ever had for getting stuff done. Clearly everyone and their dog is going to be playing this game non-stop from next Tuesday till Christmas (except you of course). While the fools are cruising around Liberty City and pushing people down stairs just so they can bear witness to the incredible physics, you’ll be off impressing your boss with some good old fashioned hard graft. What losers.

Read a book

If there’s something we don’t do enough of these days, it’s reading. Who needs visual stimulation from one of the most ambitious next-gen games to date when you can stimulate yourself through the power of words and your own imagination? When game developers start to create games with visuals as vivid as the pictures in our minds maybe then they’ll be worth a look. Pictures may paint a thousand words, but words can paint with unlimited detail, all at 60fps, no jaggies and zero pop-up. Books transcend console generations.

Gardening

People don’t take enough care of their gardens these days, if they bother with a garden at all. GTA 4 won’t let you get your green fingers dirty. Real life will. Don a shovel and start planting some seeds. With your neighbours most likely hauled up on their sofas playing Rockstar’s epic, you won’t have to suffer idle conversation with the buggers over the garden fence. If they do venture, bleary-eyed, outdoors be careful though; in GTA 4 a fence is just another object to ram your car into. You’ve been warned.

Hybrid car chauffeur

Stealing taxis in GTA and then running your own illegal cash-making business is the norm, but in real life you can atone for players’ sins by offering your services for free. Get that Prius out of the garage and polish her up good as you’re going to be giving the elderly lifts into town to do their shopping. The great thing about a hybrid is that you’re doing a good deed without destroying the environment. Just be on the look out for carnage-hungry maniacs leaving the house for supplies after a 24-hour gaming marathon.

Be a gentleman

Ever seen Keira Knightley at her English rose best in Pirates of the Caribbean? Who gets the girl? Is it some ill-mannered brute or is it a well-intentioned, righteous gentleman? It’s the gentleman. Or, in this case, the brutally annoying Orlando Boom. He stands up when a woman enters the room. He opens doors for others. He risks all to rescue his damsel in distress, putting his life on the line for one more moment with the pouting Knightley. Niko, on the other hand, is more likely to shoot the object of his desire in the back of the head once he’s had his fill than treat her to an evening of fine dining, high-class entertainment and walks under the glow of a full moon. With this in mind we have come to our conclusion. The number one thing GTA 4 haters can do to escape the chaos is model their lives after Orlando Bloom in Pirates of the Caribbean. Trust us. It works.