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Wait, this isn’t the line for the men’s room, where am I? Oh, that’s right, I work for VideoGamer now, apparently. Still doesn’t quite explain why my shoes are soaked in piss.
Right well anyway, my name’s Sam and I’m the new sheriff in town. Well, maybe not sheriff. Let’s say junior deputy. Twice removed. On my father’s side. Oh, and I’m definitely not here to bring down the whole organisation from within. That’d be stupid. So just completely disregard that possibility, forever.
And now, like a comedian bombing so hard you’d swear he wore the same brand of shoes as Richard Reid, I’m going to pretend to field questions from no one in particular.
Sam, you seem like an alright sort – what’s your favourite game?
Good question. Probably Citizen Kane, or that duck from Friends.
How are babies made?
Ask your mother.
Are you one of those massively corrupt games journos I’ve been hearing all about, selling review scores and the like?
Not sure yet. Let’s find out shall we?
Theoretically, if we wanted to send a substantial cash incentive your way, where should we send that?
Any branch of Stringfellows should be alright. I’m there most days. (Editor’s note: I asked Sam if this is a joke, and he assured me it is. He doesn’t spend time in Stringfellows and isn’t sure if Stringfellows still exists).
If a medieval knight fought an actual bear, would he stand any chance of winning?
Probably not, sadly. For one thing PETA wouldn’t be too happy about the wanton animal slaughter. Plus, bears are massive, and you can forget about the armour doing you much good. They’d crush you like a big screaming tin of beans.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Hidden moon base.
What do you want for tea?
Whatever you like Mum, I don’t live there anymore.
Stop trying to be funny
Ye, alright. Cheers.
Seriously though, what will you actually be doing at VideoGamer?
I’ll be responsible for swapping out the spittoons, as well as shooting and editing together video bits. Also – writing, really good writing, or not, depending on what kind of mood I’m in that day.
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