The Xbox Duke, remembered…

Duke… the very name is suggestive of royalty, of fancy-panted monarchs both chinless and infinitely-chinned. Of 90s-era 4x4s executing the perfect barrel roll, or of third-rate condom brands that double up as sieves. Now there was a pad for the ham-handed: a large and misshapen block perfect for the denizens of Dishonored. A real rugby ball for the Hellraiser reality. That, or a morbidly obese bat-signal… 

Whatever name you knew it by, all Xbox fans soon became acquainted with the Duke’s bittersweet thrill. For a time, this Fisher-Price SAW trap remained the one-and-only conduit through which players could experience the Xbox. And what an experience it was. Faster and better-looking than any of its console contemporaries, this green and black behemoth smashed boundaries with the same weighty enthusiasm with which it once broke a man’s foot. Or ankle. Or if that ever actually happened at all…

Then there was Xbox LIVE and Halo, the on-board hard drive and Forza. There was Steel Battalion, Splinter Cell, KOTOR, Fable, and Psychonauts, Project Gotham, Butcher Bay, Ninja Gaiden, even an an honest-to-goodness dashboard. And then there was the Duke…

Originally designed to cater to our ‘large western hands’, (read: gout-ridden meat paws) this ergonomic nightmare would eventually be replaced by the sleek and sophisticated model S. Fun fact about the S — it was itself designed as a Japanese-only model, for players with smaller hands, thereby proving once-and-for-all that Microsoft does not know hands. One can only imagine what an ‘Archduke’ would’ve looked like, as it pinned its victims to the sofa with the weight of a dying star… 

Yet, even those of us who bought in after that point — wisely avoiding both the price drop debacle and lifelong hand cramps — still found ourselves screwed over in other ways. For instance, with the mountain-like Duke no-longer on top, said controller quickly became the default pad of every younger sibling/ visiting friend on Earth.

In its defense the Duke did have a small number of plus points. The squishy, gun-like triggers were a definite success, provided you still had feeling in your fingers after climbing all the way to the summit. Then there was the quick release system, which allowed clumsy individuals, and/or renegade cats to go about their blunderings without fear of pulling the whole console down. Which, of course was actually quite laughable, given the absurd weight of the thing. They may as well have fitted it onto Thor’s Hammer, for all the good it would do.

That however, is where all the platitudes end. The Duke was a misstep, plain and simple. Indeed, it was only the quality of the console below it that prevented such an appalling piece of kit from souring us players completely. I actually think it’s rather sad how the machine isn’t mentioned more, y’know, outside of the odd birthday bash. Hell, its descendent even had the temerity to steal its nickname. It’s practically the forgotten Granddad of the games industry. “Sorry old man, we won’t be visiting after all, Xbox 1 Junior has a pageant to go to”. For shame.

Still, a brief return to the limelight is better than none at all, so here’s to you Xbox, and hell, why we’re at it — how about a hand, or six for the Duke: a pad so bad it inadvertently led us to the eternal glory of the 360 controller. Hallowed be its name.