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October, for the fretful, is a minefield of a month. The only one on the calendar – depending on how you feel about bunnies, fireworks, and fat men dressed in red – solely dedicated to fear for fear’s sake. But if you’re planning to stay in your happy place, shunning the shivers and the boogeymen by playing the lighter and safer games out there, you may be in for some unwelcome surprises. This trusty guide will assist you in sidestepping the pitfalls you may not know are even there.
Pet Cemetery
There is much, in video games, by way of the cute and the carefree. It may be tempting to insulate yourself from the chills of the season with the friendly fur of the animals. Don’t do it. The crayon-bright classic Viva Piñata may seem the sort of fantasy that belongs on a child’s bedroom wall, but they soon succumb to savagery. Invading Ruffians drop poisonous piñata candies and destroy homes. Piñatavores devour their fellow critters to survive; and any piñata will die if broken open – either by accident, with your own shovel, or by the cruelty of others on the food chain. In short, it’s a horrific ordeal best left alone.
Pokémon, too, hides not just violence, but manipulative cruelty behind its cuddly veneer. It’s a game about imprisoning creatures with a view to forcing inter-species combat. Need I go on? Well, I will. Even small acts of kindness, like treating your companion to a rare candy or plying it with berries, is done with a view to sharpening its violent power. There may well be beauty contests and sporting events, but these are a glorified PR front. We all know it doesn’t matter how fetching a Flareon’s mane; it’s about the range and power of its ability to hurl flames at its kin. It’s a frightening vision of a grotesque world.
Perhaps you reckon yourself safe keeping things casual with a round or two of Angry Birds. After all, these rotund featherballs can’t really hurt anyone; no matter how hard you hurl them, they bounce and roll to a gentle stop. Well, have you considered that doing so is what keeps them so angry? Anger is a form of stress, and stress is no laughing matter; it’s a real health risk. You wouldn’t want widespread avian stress on your conscience, would you?
Final Destination
Beyond Boo, you might not think there’s anything outwardly scary about Mario Kart, but you would be wrong. In fact, it revels in the ultimate modern fear: climate change. Those Karts, no matter how cheerfully designed, don’t run on love and good vibes. They run on petrol. Every powerslide is a reminder of the grave threat to our grandchildren. No longer is opting for 50CC an amateur’s way out; it’s a moral decision. But the best decision is to avoid the enterprise altogether. Calm your nerves and focus on something more creative, perhaps.
As long as that something isn’t Splatoon 2. On the surface, it looks like a breezy affair, slinging paint around and decorating its world with vivid colour. But that’s just the thing: it doesn’t stay on the surface. Ink is an important factor in environmental pollution; it contains Ethylenediaminetetraacetic acid, which is full of contaminants, and it contains many other volatile organic compounds that pollute the soil. Being reminded of our society’s cavalier attitude toward ink cartridge disposal is nothing if not terrifying.
You may turn to cultivation instead, in which case I would warn against Farming Simulator. These games aren’t for the faint of heart. What begins as a peaceful look into the lives of farmers soon turns dark. Farming, in particular meat farming, is incredibly bad for the environment. Working the land and yielding your crops can make you feel like a megalomaniac – and it’s best not to confront the darkness within at times like this.
Body Horror
For the ultimate escape, you may feel the urge to seek safety in your childhood days: where toys, building, and dancing filled your days. This is understandable, but there are a couple of areas to be wary. Nintendo Labo may look like a portal to yesteryear, but it doesn’t come without its dangers. Its principal threat is to you, and it isn’t for the squeamish. For anyone that has ever handled large quantities of paper and card, the fear of dry hands runs rampant. Dry skin is itchy and flaky, and, without proper moisturisation, causes soreness and irritation. Be afraid.
Similarly, while you may feel the dizzy draw of Just Dance 2019 (which came out yesterday by the way) to drown out the horrors of Halloween, you should be very wary indeed of the horrors of dehydration. Without regular fluids, constant dancing causes the body to raise in temperature and dehydrate, which causes headaches, sunken eyes, fainting, and very dry skin. Moreover, any self-respecting person will relive the horrors of having to dance at school discos, and then, when older, nightclubs, and then, when even older than that, weddings. The horror. The horror.
There can surely be nothing scary about Lego, you might venture. And on the whole, with their vibrant worlds, chunky characters, and collect-and-build mentality you might have a point. But Lego Dimensions is to be run from at all costs. It’s a toys-to-life game featuring real Lego add-ons, and it puts you at risk of feeling the greatest physical pain known to man: stepping, barefoot, on a piece of lego. This isn’t so much a trip down memory lane but a limping, screaming tumble. This is the ultimate wolf in sheep's clothing, and if you’re after staying safe and avoiding scares, steer well clear of this one.
