Sunday Supplement – 18th December

Comic courtesy of Fat Gamers.

Christmas Special! (With added bells)

Do you dread Christmas? For many gamers, it’s that time of year when we have to dust off our glad rags, have a quick shave, and emerge, squinting, into the real world for an excruciating few hours. We put on a smiley face for relatives we haven’t seen all year. Relatives who enjoy nothing more than dribbling all over your cheek, then, after they have filled their veins with copious amounts of alcohol and Christmas dinner, they fall asleep, and dribble on themselves.

It’s a nightmare I know. But we all know what gets us through the day – games. New, gleaming, shining, Christmas games. We tear open the wrapping paper, desperately hoping the goon of a relative that bought it got the right one. Then, after the customary hug, kisses and embarrassing catch-up (look how you’ve grown! – actually Nan, I’m 24, I stopped growing a while baa – nonsense!) you slyly escape back to your bedroom, hands shaking, heart pumping, hoping you’re not stung by the arrival of another dribbling geriatric.

You arrive to the waft of the comforting sweat smell that has permanently set up residence in your bedroom, and pop the game in. Christmas has begun. Mmmm, Christmas. Funnily enough, as far as games go, many see the holiday gift-giving season as a chance to catch-up on all those games you didn’t get throughout the year. Not necessarily those that have just come out in the ridiculous Christmas rush, but perhaps games you wanted to get that came out in the summer, but couldn’t because you were broke/asleep/drunk/all of the above.

So, to that end, here’s my top 10 of 2005, a chance to add some items to that carefully placed last-minute Christmas-list for parents, girlfriends or rich uncles.

10. Resident Evil 4 – hold on a minute, this isn’t Resident Evil! The camera seems to be sticking out of Leon’s shoulder! I thought Resi games always stuck the camera in a ceiling, the skirting board of some dank corridor or cunningly hidden fireplace! Hold on a minute, they’re not zombies! They’re vaguely diseased farm folk who enjoy climbing ladders and lobbing Molotov cocktails at my face! Hold on a minute! This isn’t Resident Evil, this is absolutely savage mate!

9. Xbox 360 – Check last week’s SS for my account of the launch. Funny one this. Shortages have given it a higher desire value than it warrants. Too early to tell, but early signs are promising. Also, I’ve never seen so many console competitions in my 24-year gaming life. What was it on the front page of The Daily Star yesterday morning? “10 Xbox 360 home game system devices to be won in today’s issue – GUARANTEED!” Classic.

8. Knights of the Old Republic 2 – I bought this at the same time as World of Warcraft back in February, having murdered the first game on the Xbox. I played it while installing WOW on my hard drive then didn’t play it again for half a year. More of the same really, with no real advance in graphics or gameplay, which is a little disappointing, but it’s still great. An RPG for those with five days off work. Plus light sabers are cool.

7. PSP – Too bloody expensive, if you ask me, but Pro Evolution Soccer is great for twenty minutes on the tube. I tell you, whipping out a PSP on London Transport is the riskiest act in gaming. People look at it in admiration because the screen is so good and then congratulate you, or, people look at it in admiration because the screen is so good and then try to nick it. The former usually occurs on the Northern Line to Angel, Islington, first thing in the morning. The latter usually occurs upstairs on the 159 to Streatham, Beirut.

6. Nintendo DS – Beats the PSP because of Mario Kart and Advance Wars, which are better games than anything the PSP has to offer. Stylus still has no real use (no-one has figured out an amazing way to incorporate it into dual screen gaming yet, although it works great in Zoo Keeper), but I’m sure it will do one day. Wi-fi access is great, although it’s prone to the odd inexplicable lapse in concentration, a bit like Titus Bramble really.

5. Burnout Revenge – how rude! There I was, minding my own business, at least ten miles an hour under the speed limit, when some road hog, who was going at least 5000 mph, rams into my arse for no apparent reason at all! To say I was slightly vexed is an understatement of titanic proportions. Funny thing is I didn’t just skid into the nearest wall and introduce my skull to cold concrete. No, amazingly, I, along with my trusty pink Cadillac, flew about half a mile into the air, twisting and pirouetting like some gymnast on speed. Then, out of all probability, time slowed down, and I could see the ruffian who had rammed me, a spec in the distance, doing the same to everyone else! Well I never! I tell you, when I landed, I almost got out of my car in protest. But for some reason I felt compelled to continue driving on that same stretch of motorway for the rest of my life. Weird.

4. Tekken 5 – Ahh, Paul. My dear, lovely Paul. All is forgiven. It wasn’t your fault that those silly people at Namco decided to slow you down, made the battle arenas crap and generally ruin one of the greatest fighting franchises of all time. At least they learned form their mistakes, sped you up and made you cool again. For that I am thankful. We should all be thankful.

3. Warhammer 40,000 Dawn of War: Winter Assault – It’s easier to compare this September 2005 expansion to Chelsea FC than to offer some kind of opinion. Chelsea only buy players for the sake of it. It makes no real difference to the overall quality of the team, since it’s so good anyway, but they might as well, for the laugh like. Winter Assault adding to Dawn of War is like Shaun Wright-Phillips going to Chelsea – it’s just rubbing it in.

2. PES 5 – No, it’s not frustrating or difficult to score, you’re just crap. Also, Ronaldinho’s double-jointed ankle flick when you triple tap R2 is the best football skill move in a game ever.

1. World of Warcraft – It came out on Friday February 11. I bought it on Saturday 12 after I finished work. I played it non-stop for half a year, dropping out of work to go part-time, all the while living off my credit card and overdraft. It was my first MMORPG, and probably my last. Azeroth, I’ll never forget you.

This week on Pro-G

If you’ve missed anything, here’s a rundown of the featured articles on the site this week.

Reviews

Condemned (Xbox 360)

Amped 3 (Xbox 360)

FIFA 06 Road to FIFA World Cup (Xbox 360)

Kameo (Xbox 360)

Sonic Rush (DS)

Battlefield 2: Special Forces (PC)

This week’s new releases

The PSP is the only platform with any releases of note this week, with four games that each have their own appeal. Peter Jackson’s King Kong and WWE Smackdown! vs. RAW 2006 will probably have most success, with both home console versions of the games performing well in the UK sales chart. Smackdown! vs. RAW 2006 appears to be an almost exact port of the PlayStation 2 game, so if you want to take the game on the move, it might be worth considering.

Prince of Persia Revelations looks to be a slightly altered port of last year’s Warrior Within, but given that few games like it exist on the PSP, it could perform pretty well. With Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones failing to make the UK top ten, despite being a multiplatform release, Revelations’ success is far from guaranteed though. Madden NFL 06 completes the quartet of PSP releases and should please any NFL fans living in the UK.

We haven’t played it, but Crazy Frog Racer on the GBA is the stinker of the week. Even if the game isn’t shockingly poor, the fact that it supports the career of the ever more annoying, annoying thing, is reason enough to boycott it.

• Crazy Frog Racer (GBA)
• Madden NFL 06 (PSP)
• Peter Jackson’s King Kong (PSP)
• Prince of Persia Revelations (PSP)
• War RTS Deluxe (PC)
• WWE Smackdown! vs RAW 2006 (PSP)

Next week on Pro-G

With Christmas approaching things will be rather low-key next week, but expect the odd review or two before we take a well earned Christmas break.