If footballers were fighting game characters

With the World Cup kicking off today, the world’s gone football crazy. And so have we. So much so that we’ve decided to imagine real world footballers as fighting game characters. Just, you know, for the laugh. Ha!

Zinedine Zidane/E. Honda

If French baldy Zinedine Zidane was a fighting game character, he’d be Japanese sumo wrestler E. Honda. Zidane’s infamous head butt to Italian defender Marco Materazzi’s chest in the 2006 World Cup final would have made Hundred Hand Slap Edmond proud. Honda, of course, is the master of the flying head butt.

Eric Cantona/Liu Kang

Cantona was nicknamed “King Eric” by the Manchester United faithful, but his most famous footballing moment was less than regal. Cantona’s kung-fu kick into Crystal Palace fan Matthew Simmons chest was a work of art, as was the follow-up punch. For that reason, we liken Cantona to Mortal Kombat kickmeister Liu Kang, whose Flying Forward Bicycle Kick special move sees him fly across the screen and repeatedly kick his opponent’s chest as if pedalling a bicycle. Perfect fit, that.

David Beckham/Marshall Law

Golden Balls has to be Bruce Lee rip off Marshall Law. Remember Beckham’s pathetic ankle kick during the World Cup 98 game against Argentina, the one that sent diving cheat Diego Simeone tumbling to the floor and the ref to his pocket for a red card? Of course you do. It mentally scarred every football fan in the land. For that little kick, Beckham is Law, who has a similar move. Sort of.

Paolo Di Canio/Raiden

The fiery Italian might have scored one of the greatest goals in Premier League history, but we remember him for pushing referee Paul Alcock to the ground. Not only did the laughably weak push secure Di Canio’s place in English football folklore, it made us all laugh. The push was so “violent” it reminded us of Raiden’s iconic back back forward Torpedo special move, which pushed the electricity God’s opponent to the back of the arena. Yes, we know, we’re pushing it. Heh.

Wayne Rooney/Nina Williams

Rooney’s impetuous stamp on Portuguese defender Ricardo Carvalho during the 2006 World Cup quarter final probably cost us the game. For that, and the sheer handbags of it all, Rooney is Tekken sexpot Nina Williams, whose trademark move sees her stick her stiletto heel deep into the nuts of her (extremely) unlucky floored opponent. Just don’t do it again, Wayne. Please…

Boris Johnson/Abel

No, he’s not a footballer, and he’s not even much of a politician, but Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is pretty funny, as the floppy-haired blonde demonstrated during a charity England versus Germany football match in May 2006. Seconds after jogging onto the pitch, Johnson sped towards former German international Maurizio Gaudino, began to trip, and then rugby tackled him to the floor. Cue ear-bursting cheers from the partisan crowd and a severe ticking off. For that, Boris, you can be Street Fighter 4 grappler Abel. You both have blonde hair, too.

Ben Thatcher/Paul Phoenix

Ben Thatcher’s sickening flying elbow into the skull of loveable Portuguese midfield maestro Pedro Mendes shocked the football world. But we imagine it shocked poor Mendes, who was knocked unconscious and spent the night in hospital, even more. For his moment of chav thuggery, Thatcher can be Tekken brute Paul Phoenix, who has got one hell of an elbow dash special move. Raaar.

Phil Babb/Dan Hibiki

Ex-Liverpool and Ireland defender Phil Babb’s greatest moment wasn’t some spectacular last-ditch tackle, or a heroic goal line clearance, it was when he slammed his nuts into the goal post in front of the Kop. Yes, it was funny, and yes, it was calamitous. So calamitous, in fact, that it reminds us of bumbling Street Fighter character Dan (yes, we know, Dan’s actually quite good).

Roy Keane/King

Our choice moment from Manchester United destroy Roy Keane’s highlight reel of death and destruction is this career-ending lunge at Alf-Inge Haaland. Apparently it was a revenge attack for something Haaland did at some point to Keane years previously. Keane’s callous violence reminds us of Tekken bruiser King, whose special moves include a disgusting leg breaker. Snap.

Vinnie Jones/Johnny Cage

Jones was a bully on the pitch, but on one solitary occasion he displayed his softer side, squeezing Gazza’s balls ever so slightly while marking the flawed genius during a corner. So, we reckon Vinnie’s got more than a bit of Mortal Kombat show-off Johnny Cage about him. Cage’s famous “do the splits and punch in the balls” attack is still one of our favourite fighting game special moves of all time. Ouch.