Gamer Stereotypes

“Stereotypes are devices for saving a biased person the trouble of learning,” or so the old saying goes. If you’re a biased person, save yourself a whole load of hassle by blindly embracing this list of clichés.

The MMO Nut

He’s overweight, his skin is the colour of dirty milk and there’s a nasty rash spreading up his leg. Sunlight is a distant memory and his bank account is constantly hammered by takeaway bills and monthly subscription costs. He doesn’t care: he’s got Vis’kag the Bloodletter, a license to grind and a clan of friends he’s never met. Currently engaged to a Dwarven priest from Iceland.

Mr Light Gun

In the mid to late Nineties, Mr Light Gun was a minor celebrity. He’d stand in your local arcade (or bowling alley), surrounded by legions of adoring kids, playing Virtua Cop with a gun in each hand. Tragically the genre has since declined, and now Mr Gun merely haunts lonely seaside resorts, shouting at the pensioners. Show him a Wii Zapper, and he’ll openly weep.

The PC Loyalist

PC gaming will never die, and if you even suggest as much to this chap, you’re likely to be slapped about the face with an expensive graphics card. Behind closed doors he “overclocks his motherboard” to high-res pics of an ATI Radeon HD 5970. On August 29th next year, at 2:14 am Eastern time, his gaming rig will become self-aware. Nuclear apocalypse will ensue shortly thereafter.

The Rich Kid

This chap knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Actually, he doesn’t know the price of anything – because the Bank of Mummy and Daddy paid for his entire games collection. He’s got all the consoles. He’s got an iPhone and a suped-up PC. He bought a PSP Go and a stupid gold case – and then he never bothered to put anything on them (but then again, neither did anyone else). Rarely plays anything for more than five minutes.

Squealy McRunty

What does he look like? Nobody knows – but we sure as hell know what he sounds like: a ten-year-old helium addict with a bad case of Tourette’s. McRunty largely resides in the realm of multiplayer shooters. When he wins, he shrieks; when he loses, he shrieks. Only when you hit the ‘mute’ button does he disappear into the void, but he’ll soon be replaced by two of his wailing kin. It’s like trying to kill a Hydra, it really is.

The Japanophile

“What do you mean you’ve never played Mushihime-sama?” they ask, crying great big kawaii tears from their oversized eyes, soaking their lovingly-imported Bathing Ape hoodie. The Japanophile may be mildly annoying in his endless enthusiasm for obscure manga, anime and RPGs, but on the whole he’s a friendly chap. He’s also pretty handy when you’re walking down the street and a random battle kicks off, for no apparent reason.

The Retro Fanboy

Also known as Mister They-Don’t-Make-Em-Like-They-Usta. Forget the battle between the PS3 and the 360; this guy’s still seething over the Spectrum vs C64 conflict of 1983. He gets all misty-eyed at the mention of Frogger and will violently argue why Miner Willy is the best video games character of all time. This man will almost certainly have a long beard, and probably owns several odd-shaped dice.

The King of Fighters

The King is capable of pulling off some of the most complicated muscular acrobatics in the history of human evolution – but they’re all in the form of wrist movements, accompanied by frantic button-stabbing. Remember that bit in Full Metal Jacket where Vincent D’Onofrio goes mental and falls in love with his gun? Well, The King does the same with his arcade stick. Has also been known to export scathing abuse via Xbox Live messages.

Dr Hardcore, PhD

The Doctor prides himself being amazing at everything he plays. He collects Trophies like a kleptomaniac at a school sports day, downloads crap games just for the ‘chievos, and has nothing but disdain for the noobish Casual Gamer [see next page]. He may own several consoles, or he may be a loyal single-format zealot in the dreaded Console Wars. His skin is decorated with awkward Nintendo tattoos, something he now regrets in this post-Wii era.

The Casual Gamer

Cheery in appearance, possessing deep pockets and blissfully ignorant of the seething hatred that the rest of the community projects in their direction. Owns a Wii, a DS with a long-forgotten copy of Dr Kawashima’s Brain Training, and a very dusty Balance Board. Plays SingStar with their girlfriend, and Guitar Hero when drunk (but never on anything above medium difficulty). But love him or hate him (and you most certainly do hate him), his succulent wallet is a defibrillator to the heart of our wheezing, collapsed-on-a-jog industry.