6 Reasons why Nintendo hasn’t shown you the NX yet

The NX is real, we know that much. But we don’t really know a lot more than that: will it actually use cartridges? Is the controller shaped like the T-1000 impersonating the lead character from Hey Arnold? Is it, in fact, a giant life-size cast of Miyamoto’s head, with the mouth as the media loading slot?

Who knows? Well, we do. Kind of. Using our keen instincts and addled Games Journalism brains, we run down the likely reasons that it’s not been shown yet.

It’s shaped like the Quake symbol

The original Quake (never Quake 1) came out 20 years ago this month: a remarkable milestone for an even more remarkable game. It redefined a genre, and in turn it – Quake, its brand, its ethos – was defined by that imposing, gothic ‘Q’. Everyone knows what it is as soon as they see it. Good work, id.

So it was some surprise when we heard through the grapevine that the new Nintendo console was shaped exactly like that, and would be six feet squared in accordance with Quake’s legacy of dominating video games. As with the Wii U, there will be two packages available at launch: a standard model, and premium offering which comes with the real John Romero, who will offer advice on both playing the games and looking after your incredible hair game (incredible hair game not included).

It looks exactly like the set from Friends

Who doesn’t love Friends? Those loveable rogues, with their hair and their jobs and their witticisms. What was the name of that cafe they went to again? Central Perk, yeah? Well the new Nintendo NX looks exactly like that: a full-scale diorama in your living room/games room/basement/pit, complete with cardboard cutouts of your favourite wisecracking assholes. Nintendo, we’re told, expects to make a small loss on every console sold, maybe because it also expects to have to ship a load of painkillers, booze, and hair gel with every set.

It looks exactly like the EU post-Brexit

Only joking. After all, what the hell has Nintendo got to do with a nation attempting to do things its own idiosyncratic way, and sometimes getting it disastrously wrong in the process? Not much.

It looks exactly like the OJ Simpson murder scene if viewed from above via a circling police helicopter

A shocking turn of events, I’m sure you’ll agree. But with the current (and sure to be unending) vogue for OJ-related media, Nintendo looks to capitalise on it with quite frankly the most tasteless machine in the history of man. I mean, come on guys. Disgraceful.

It looks exactly like the inside of Donald Trump’s insane, blabbering mouth

An odd choice, but why not? We’re through the looking glass here, people: why shouldn’t Nintendo release a console that simulates what it’s like to be inside the moist, warm, disgusting mouth of one of the world’s all-time great bulls***ters? Because isn’t that what video games are? Conduits for the un-truth? The made-up? The brilliant and the absurd, none of it making any sense? Perfect.

Perfect.

It looks exactly like a Nintendo console

The horror. The horror.