G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra Review for PS3

On: PS3Xbox 360WiiDSPS2PSP

Game based on the upcoming live action movie.

Review Verdict Read Review
4Out of 10
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If you're in the market for a £40 GI Joe coffee coaster, look no further.
If you're in the market for a £40 GI Joe coffee coaster, look no further.

If you're in the market for a £40 GI Joe coffee coaster, look no further.

G.I. Joe, you stand before this military court having been charged with multiple war crimes against the Nation of Gaming. You have led innocents astray with the promise of old-school arcade action, when all you have to offer is a tedious carnival of skill-free blasting. You have tormented the public with your appalling camera angles, and with teeth-grinding load times plucked from the days of the PS1. You have exploited our nostalgia for 80’s cartoons and in the process you have stomped all over our rose-tinted glasses. I hereby find you GUILTY and sentence you to death for your crimes. You shall be executed at dawn by a firing squad comprising of Count Duckula, The Defenders of the Earth and Mumm-Ra from Thundercats.

By now we’re all used to the fact that movie tie-ins are usually rubbish, and yet there’s still something depressing about the way this game fails to achieve its own lowly goals. Rise of Cobra sets out to be a light-and-breezy third-person shooter, a sort of 3D Contra homage with added Joe, and yet the final product is almost a textbook example of how not to make a game of this type. For starters, the camera is dreadful: at times it follows the player like a sleepwalker wading through caramel, lazily creeping along as you dash around a corner and into the firing line of enemies you can’t yet see. It’s even worse when you play offline co-op with a chum, as the virtual cameraman has a virtual tizzy about who he’s supposed to be following. One of you will trot into the distance while the other remains stuck behind a piece of scenery in the foreground, or perhaps disappears from view altogether. From time to time the game will even decide to show neither one of you - a democratic solution, perhaps, but hardly an appropriate one.

Then there’s the action itself. Rise of Cobra sees you tackling brief, 10 to 15 minute levels with a chosen pair of GI Joes. In single-player you can switch between your squaddies, with the second Joe controlled by friendly AI, while a neat drop-in/drop-out mechanic allows a second player to join in at any time. Each character has a primary attack, a melee blow and a unique power-up ability - Ripcord can deploy a turret, for example, while Shipwreck gets his parrot to drop grenades on nearby foes. Fans of the original GI Joe cartoon and toys (known as Action Force in the UK) may get a bit misty-eyed at the sight of their old chums, but to be honest they all handle fairly similarly. Whether you’re a heavy-weapons chap, a ninja or an all-round fighter, the objective remains the same: shoot everything in sight, whether it moves or not, and then move on to the next area.

It’s hardly rocket science, but somehow developer Double Helix has seriously botched the job. When you pull the right trigger your Joe will automatically aim and fire at an enemy, but it’s something of a lottery as to who they’ll pick. You can change target by flicking the right stick but you never feel fully in control of your aim, and your hero will frequently refuse to target soldiers that are very close by. There’s a rudimentary cover system, but attempting to fire from behind a wall will often result in you blasting the wall itself, rather than threats in the distance. On foot your controls feel floaty and imprecise, but they seem like the pinnacle of games design when compared to the nightmare of vehicle handling. You’re given a choice of control setups here, but in both cases you’ll find yourself blundering around like a drunk driver, smashing into all and sundry. Once again, this frustration tends to offset the nostalgia factor of being reunited with your childhood jeeps and tanks.

If you play this, you only have yourself to blame.

If you play this, you only have yourself to blame.

If you’re playing Rise of Cobra on the default difficulty then none of these flaws will halt your progression, since it’s actually impossible to fail: if you die, you just lose a few points and immediately respawn. That’s fair enough, since the lowest setting is undoubtedly aimed at kids and casual gamers - but if you decide to up the level of challenge, you’re in for a rude awakening. Suddenly you’re limited to a single life - a life that is all too easily lost amid the chaos of lasers, explosions and the lumbering camera. And if both Joes should die, you’ve got to start the entire level from scratch.

That’s right, folks. In a spurt of gutsy innovation, Double Helix has pioneered a new feature for the shooter genre: the pointless checkpoint. The action in RoC is already peppered with interruptions, from radio briefings to game-freezing notes about your latest unlockable, but every five minutes you’ll also have to sit through an interval that summarises your score thus far. It’s a thinly-veiled loading screen, with an average duration of around 30 seconds - although some of them seem to drag on for a whole minute. Given that the game looks as rough as a PS2 release - and an early one, to boot - these delays are as perplexing as they are irritating.

Let’s wrap things up now. Rise of Cobra has precisely two things going for it: Firstly, it places lots of emphasis on competitive scoring, so there’s an opportunity for banter if you dupe a second person into playing with you. Secondly, it boasts some amusing audio. The endless bleeps and blams can be fairly headache-inducing, but there’s a loud and catchy tune that plays whenever you activate your acceleration suits - a sort of 30-second overkill mode that can be triggered once you’ve filled up a meter. The game’s script occasionally throws up a decent in-joke, but the real fun lies with the random threats shouted by the Cobra goons. “I am authorised to use lethal force,” mutters one guard, in bored monotone. “Take them! Put them down! Take them! Put them down!” cries another, as if he’s having a go at the removal men.

On reflection, GI Joe: Rise of Cobra has much in common with a hamburger bought at 2am. If you’re in the right mood for it (or if you’re leathered on cheap cider) then there’s a good chance that you may enjoy the first bite or two. It’s sloppy and junky, but perhaps you feel that’s what you want. And then you begin to sober up. You realise that your mouth is filled with undercooked offal, and your stomach begins to churn. It’s messy, it’s stale, and traces of it will linger with you for days. And the worst part of it all? You paid for this garbage.

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13 Comments

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robz48's Avatar

robz48

This game was on sale in my local gamestation for £9.99
Posted 15:50 on 13 August 2009
Mr_Ninjutsu's Avatar

Mr_Ninjutsu

i have seen most of the film and upto where things get a bit bad (in terms of people dying etc) and its ok the guy who plays the main bad guy from Doctor Who should be shot and his ears be stuffed down a well. He's a crap actor. no offense but he sh*t
Posted 15:47 on 13 August 2009
GlitcH's Avatar

GlitcH

The Visuals wouldn't have looked out of place as an early PS2 release. I can see what Neon means by a sluggish camera, floating behind the characters trying to figure out what to do..! Frustration would be a word I would choose.

I bet the film rawks, so long as it doesn't try to hard to have a deep plot.
Posted 15:44 on 13 August 2009
guyderman's Avatar

guyderman

The Film is actually great fun - just leave your brain at the door on the way into the cinema. Game looks poor though!
Posted 09:06 on 09 August 2009
Wido's Avatar

Wido

*Another one bites the dust*
Posted 20:15 on 08 August 2009
dazzadavie's Avatar

dazzadavie

Film looks shocking, game looked shocking. The fact the game is shocking can only mean the film is to follow
Posted 12:06 on 08 August 2009
rbevanx's Avatar

rbevanx

Why Karlius why not your real nickname of Karpy or Rafa Benitez lol.
Posted 16:08 on 07 August 2009
Karlius's Avatar

Karlius

At least I then play the game! ;)
Posted 15:50 on 07 August 2009
rbevanx's Avatar

rbevanx

This coming from someone who spends an extra five quid on a game..........for a cover lol.
Posted 15:38 on 07 August 2009
Karlius's Avatar

Karlius

So you'll be buying it then Bev as you only play rubbish games lol!
Posted 15:26 on 07 August 2009
rbevanx's Avatar

rbevanx

I wonder if the film will get the same score, it looks just as rubbish as the game lol.
Posted 14:56 on 07 August 2009
Mr_Ninjutsu's Avatar

Mr_Ninjutsu

ok so i just watched 2 of the gameplay clips from vg and the first thing that came to mind was how crap it looked. The only way you think that its good or get your mind thinkking its worth the money if you think it as a top down shooter like Burn Zombie Burn but more of an 3rd person view. The camera is truelly awful to say the least.
Posted 14:49 on 07 August 2009
Mr_Ninjutsu's Avatar

Mr_Ninjutsu

woah massive let down! i bet the film will follow up a 2 star rating. so much potential gone to waste
Posted 12:21 on 07 August 2009

Game Stats

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
4
Out of 10
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
  • The Accelerator Suit music is ace
  • All the visual finesse of a squashed hedgehog
  • Dire camera angles
  • Massive loading times
Agree? Disagree? Get Involved!
Release Date: 14/08/2009
Platforms: PS3 , Xbox 360 , Wii , DS , PS2 , PSP
Developer: Double Helix Games
Publisher: Electronic Arts
Genre: Action
No. Players: 1-2
Rating: PEGI 16+
Site Rank: 11,371 141
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