Everyone needs a good laugh now and then, right? This year’s been a veritable gold mine for funny shit. I mean, who could forget Danny ‘I’m fucking Danny Dyer’ Dyer calling David Cameron a twat? X Factor being beaten in the ratings by Strictly for another year is always worth a chuckle, as is Cheryl’s bizarre performance on Simon Cowell’s musical circus that saw her licking her hand seductively. Love made her do it, apparently. Still, who could forget the revelation that President Donald Trump’s dick apparently bears a striking resemblance to Mario Kart’s Toad? Almost feel sorry for the chap. Almost.
And that’s just the start…
We all love games, sure, but 20-year-old Noorul Mahjabeen Hassan – aka Fractal Tetris Huracan – decided to take things a bit further than most, this year. Back in January, the Florida resident announced plans to marry her actual copy of Tetris, the best-selling video game in the world. She even admitted to sleeping with her copy of the game, which she owns on the NES, and gets ‘satisfaction’ from ‘clearing the lines as quickly as possible.’ Whatever floats your boat, right?
Like the most successful wrestler-turned-actor, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, John Cena is making the transition from the ring to the big screen, and Duke Nukem is apparently one of his next projects. To be fair, John would be the perfect man for the role; he looks like like an 80s action hero, and can presumably handle big guns, and Colm tells me he’s decent at lame one-liners, too. What could possibly go wrong?
I’ll admit I haven’t given much thought to Mario’s belly button, or lack thereof, in Super Mario Odyssey. He’s a cartoon plumber who travels to alternate dimensions fighting a giant fire-breathing turtle, and smashes floating bricks with his head. I figured such a small detail wouldn’t really matter. Now, Toad on the other hand, I take exception to. Anyone who has watched The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3 would have seen Toad take his ‘hat’ off numerous times. Yes, his hat. It looks like a hat, acts like a hat, and even gets wet like a hat. It’s not his head.
Luigi’s always been the ‘other’ Mario brother, so I guess he had to have something to brag about, and he does. No, not the fact he can jump higher than his portly sibling, but rather, he’s packing a serious trouser snake. Yep, fans actually measured the lanky fella’s pecker using algebra, coming to a flaccid length of 3.7 inches – higher than the average of 3.61. Blimey, that’s an impressive wiggler!
There’s no hiding the fact there’s an alarming amount of video game parody porn doing the rounds on the web, so I guess it was inevitable that Fortnite, a game of stratospheric popularity, has followed the likes of Overwatch. Earlier this year, Fortnite-related smut on PornHub went through the roof after the release of the ubiquitous Battle Royale edition of the game. Tastes, erm, appear to fall on stuff like butt and hentai, although I couldn’t possibly comment on that… because the PCs at work block that kind of ‘entertainment.’ I mean, we’re all wankers at the end of the day, right?
Everyone is banging on about how well God of War and Red Dead Redemption sold this year, but what they really should be doing is remembering the amazing feat Sega achieved in March. The former hardware manufacturer flogged a Game Gear game. Not just any Game Gear game, but the brilliantly underrated Sonic the Hedgehog 2. No one really knows who bought the game or why it was actually available to be sold, but still, I’d love to shake their hand. Did you ever play Sonic 2 on Game Gear? It was great, but bloody hard. Tails could also die in the bad ending, which was a bit of a blow after all that hard work.
Most of us have probably had a dodgy vindaloo in our time, but this is taking the piss. But no, it’s true: Sega did really start selling Sonic curries in Japan earlier this year, although they look like more like vomit than the spikey speedster. Frankly, it’s a mess, and I can’t see why anyone would want to eat it at all. And come on, it turns your poo blue – who wants that?
Reports of Luigi’s death were greatly exaggerated earlier this year when the green Goomba-stomper was apparently snuffed out by Death during a Super Smash Bros. Ultimate trailer. He even had a ghost and everything. Poor fella. Still, Ninty took it upon themselves to calm Twitter down by confirming the Mario Bro was not dead.
Blimey, what’s Sonic been on? Dianabol? Winstrol? Whatever it is, the spikey fella has obviously been hitting the weights hard. Definitely a leg press guy, although I bet squats are part of his routine too. Seriously though, Sonic’s look in the movie is almost too much to take in. There’s so much…wrong with it. He’s too fury; his head is massive; his eyes look like they’re going to be too small; and he’s got better calves than me. Also, clock those Nike trainers. Really?
This was bloody fantastic. THQ Nordic, who would have been an obvious candidate for E3, instead decided to skip the Los Angeles games showcase entirely to watch the FIFA World Cup. To be fair, it was an absolute blast, so we can’t blame them one bit. Even we had a telly set up in the office to watch the games.
Given the amount of 'luck' I’ve had on Tinder, the idea of using a video game to bag myself a date actually sounds really appealing. Just as well I didn’t consider using Metal Gear Survive when it launched, because Konami make it crystal clear in its EULA for the game that this is not possible. Like, at all. If that wasn’t hilarious enough, they also charge you for an extra character slot. Cheers!
Hasn’t anyone told Sony Santa Monica that the dad bod is all the rage right now? Yep, apparently, people would rather blokes had a six-pack’s worth of larger in the mid-section than a rippling set of abdominals. Even I’ve considered jacking in my weekly core routine. I mean, Kratos should be allowed to let himself go these days, right?
Rumours is absolutely their best album (I bought it the other week), and Microsoft did buy Obsidian. That is all.