Sony’s E3 2016 Conference – Spoiled! All the info on the big PS4 announcements

Sony is just days from either making gamers really happy or desperately sad (probably nothing in between, as this is video games!). The platform holder’s E3 conference takes place in the early hours of Tuesday morning (UK time), but thankfully we’ve got the inside scoop on what’s likely to go down. And yes, if you treat E3 like a TV show, there are spoilers following this opening paragraph. You’ve been warned.

The Last Guardian

After last year’s big reveal that The Last Guardian is in fact still a thing and is coming out this year, Sony will kick off E3 2016 with a proper gameplay demo. We’ve heard it’ll be five minutes, and a firm release date will be announced.

Chance of happening: 10/10

Uncharted 4 DLC and The Last of Us 2

Sony is definitely going to show a trailer for the Uncharted 4 single-player DLC, a meaty expansion that is said to be about five hours in length. Following this they’ll roll straight into an early and brief teaser for The Last of Us 2. It’s more of a mood piece than anything substantial – the game isn’t due until 2018.

Chance of happening: 8/10

PS VR Showcase

VR is hard to demo, but Sony will do its best to show it off by getting the cast of Ghostbusters on stage to play its VR Worlds compendium. A trailer for the movie will follow the stage demo.

Chance of happening: 9/10

Indie Showcase

This is a given, as Sony loves to show off its superior indie game catalogue in comparison to the Xbox One. As well as revealing some cool looking games that we’ve heard referred to as ‘indie AAA’, some previously announced titles that have gone missing will re-emerge with release dates. Look out for Wild, Rime, and Abzu amongst others.

Chance of happening: 9/10

PlayStation 4 Neo

The final third of Sony’s conference is entirely dedicated to the PlayStation 4 Neo. We haven’t heard what the final name of the system is, but every game shown from this point on will have visual improvements when running on it.

Shawn Layden, Chairman of SIE Worldwide Studios and a modern day Jeremy Beadle impersonator, is the man who will reveal the new console, which looks remarkably similar to the standard PS4. First up is the new God of War, enhanced and “best on” PS4 Neo.

The Sony Santa Monica logo is on screen as game director Cory Barlog walks onto stage. The room erupts as Phil Spencer, Head of Xbox at Microsoft, blasts through the floor of the Shrine Auditorium riding a giant mechanical scorpion. The robotic beast lays waste to the front rows of video game execs, tossing them aside and in the process crushing members of Fun Haus and Kinda Funny.

A clearly startled and blood-soaked Layden is rushed to safety by House, Boyes, and Corsi, as Yoshida hurriedly smashes the panic button to ready the escape vessel.

“Hey Cortana, deploy Hammer of Dawn,” Spencer clearly and calmly speaks into his Xbox branded headset.

Layden is shellshocked, but Boyes, VP, Publisher & Developer Relations, stays focused.

“You can make it Shawn. Return to the hive and rebuild. In Kaz we trust!” exclaims Boyes.

“In Kaz we trust!” repeats Layden.

Boyes straps Layden into the pod and starts emergency take-off procedures.

“Riiiiidge Racerrrr” shouts Layden, igniting the engines, but it’s too late.

A devastating aerial blast obliterates the egg-shaped prison, the shockwave sending the Sony henchmen flying, limbs flailing. Blood is everywhere.

“Try trading those in at Gamestop,” Spencer quips to Boyes, pointing at two dismembered arms that have skewered a Crash Bandicoot mascot Sony didn’t have time to bring out onto the stage.

The return of Crash, a character who Sony fanboys are desperate to see on PS4 after years of mediocrity, was planned to end the show on a bang. That dream is over now though. It’s all over.

Spencer raises an arm in triumph causing the scorpion to lean back onto its hind legs and scream a chilling shriek – a shriek of death and the sound of victory. A ladder dropped from a low-flying attack chopper falls onto Spencer’s outstretched fist. The heli, being flown by scorned and humiliated former Xbox chief, Don Mattrick, picks up Spencer and buzzes off into the mid-day sun.

LA is in ruins; a visibly bloodied and wounded man clambers up onto a bench, his upper body strength and adrenaline combining to lift himself from the rubble. With a sticky wet patch of crimson pooling beneath the man’s missing legs, he struggles to speak, mumbling something towards Yoshida’s motionless body.

“What f…” he starts, before an uncontrollable cough spews spital and blood over a discarded Starbucks cup.

“What frame rate does the new God of War run at?” he asks, almost breathless. The man slumps and rolls off the bench. Dead.

He was a games journalist until the end.

Chance of happening: 10/10