If video games were real

The world can be a scary place. Wouldn’t it be better if video games were real, bringing their odd take on reality to our every day lives. This is a taster of what that new world might be like.

Hedgehogs would have super powers

Instead of spending their days eating spiders in their cages, hedgehogs would continuously try to run up the sides of walls all day long. Their species would go extinct within three years.

Plumbers would physically get inside your pipes

Plumbers wouldn’t bother fixing your sink. They’d probably come down to your house and jump on your turtle though. Or they’d try to fit inside your pipes. And they’d still charge you an arm and a leg for their service.

Space Marine would be the most popular job on Earth

Sure, we might live in a world of recessions and unemployment, but if video games were real then Space Marine would be the most readily available job on earth, right next to Starbucks Barista. Just close your eyes and imagine that world instead, as you cut coupons.

Pac-Man would have written a best-selling book

Pac-Man would have the drug-tolerance of a young Robert Downey Jr. Poor ol’ Pac would spend the ’80s obsessively eating power-pellets, and then in the ’90s he’d have cleaned up his act and written a best-selling book explaining the hardships of being born with no arms.

Aliens would be fended off with cannons

The most common way to fight incoming aliens would involve blasting a canon thirty feet into the air over and over again.

Green tunics would be fashionable

You could get away with wearing the same green tunic for the better part of two decades. Hey, it looked alright in 1986, so don’t fix what ain’t broken.

Nerds could actually fight

You would actually be good at punching. Nerds worldwide would turn to the streets in droves, establishing mass tournaments. Tiny nerd-fists would instil fear in the bravest of fighters. They’d shriek “hAHAHHHHhh DFSSFDDFDDDDDDDDDDDDhahdxxdddHADOUKEN” and grown men would wither and cry.

Dogs would find all the treasure in the world

Every time you took your dog for a walk he’d run a block ahead of you and find treasure. Soon dog-owners around the globe would quit the job and begin following around their pet schnauzer with a shovel.

All the beautiful women would carry guns

Beautiful women would talk to you. Unfortunately they’d all be packing a gun and would complain for hours about how they can’t feel their legs anymore because they’ve been running for a quarter-mile in 9-inch heels.

Memories would be 8-bit and pixelated

All childhood memories would be in 8-bit. Remember the time you got sick in the middle of a cafeteria? No, because it’s all a blur of pixels.