The PlayStation conference was arguably the strangest E3 presser this year, and 2018 delivered Andrew W.K. performing live. Watching it unfold was a strange, dreamlike experience and as such this recap of the key points and reveals is also presented in the present tense.

  • Shawn Layden introduces Oscar winning composer Gustavo Santaolalla, and says his name with a relish rarely expressed, even by a lover whispering in your ear. Santaolalla expertly plays the banjo at a barn full of journalists.

  • Suddenly, some gameplay for The Last of Us: Part II! It is beautiful but terrifying. There is disemboweling. Hiding in wet ferns. Ellie stabs a man in the neck. Blood for the blood god. The most terrifying is that Ellie kisses another girl in it, because apparently many people had forgotten Ellie is a big ol' lesbian.

  • Then, with no warning, an intermission as the journalists are moved to a different presentation room. Every few minutes Sid Shuman tells us that the intermission is a another, different few minutes from being over. I believe him.

  • The intermission ends. A man plays a shakuhachi flute on stage for a further few minutes, but he is not important enough for Shawn Layden to introduce him (although I have since discovered he is called Cornelius Boots). It is approximately 2.45 am and we are at this point terrified that the presentation is going to last three hours, as the audience is shuffled through many different rooms to e.g. watch Hideo Kojima bash out a ten minute free-form guitar solo. I grow impotently furious at Shawn Layden.

  • The Ghost of Tsushima gameplay is sensational. It blows through us like a cleansing wind. Is all forgiven? Perhaps.

  • A new trailer. A woman is running around what looks like a futuristic MC Escher painting and appears to be able to sort of control time and/or space? Colm starts yelling 'QUANTUM BREAK 2!' but it's actually Control, the secret project from Remedy and 505 Games.

  • Another trailer starts, from the point of view of a rat. We briefly consider the possibility of a gritty Ratatouille game. But no, it is the rumoured Resident Evil 2 remake. Our news writer starts wilding out uncontrollably because he loves Resi.

  • Justin Roiland's Squanch Games delivers a strange trailer for Trover Saves the Universe, which appears to be a VR adventure platformer (also playable on regular PlayStation). Roiland delivers his classic 'improvising the voiceover like I don't even care about what I'm doing' thing; the internet approves because Szechuan sauce.

  • The appearance of yet another Kingdom Hearts trailer adds to the feeling that this whole thing is some species of Groundhog Day curse visited upon video game fans. We are all perturbed to be reminded that Johnny Depp exists, but he does and thus Jack Sparrow is in Kingdom Hearts 3.

  • Finally, Death Stranding gameplay, although it stretches the definition of the word. Norman Reedus walks across admittedly lovely landscapes. He climbs a cliff. He pulls off one of his own toenails. He has a bun. Lindsay Wagner is in it, but young Lindsay Wagner from the 70s. Lea Seydoux cries. We still don't know what the game is. We never will.

  • Nioh 2 is announced and we are too confused to process it, especially because of the tag line 'Defy death / death defies you…' which, what? What does that mean?

  • Spider-Man gameplay, thank God, with loads of cool bad guys from the comics. It's so fun and energetic. The combat is amazing, like Arkham Asylum but if Batman wasn't a massive downer. It's everything we needed. God bless you Peter; deliver us from evil, Insomniac. Now the conference has built up steam and we can really get going.

  • The conference is over.