Top 10: Fanboy Nightmares

Fanboys get riled over the littlest of things. It only takes one dodgy texture that looks fine on another console’s version and all hell breaks loose across internet forums. So what would happen if massive fanboy enticing events shook the gaming world? We pretended we only owned one console to come up with the Top 10: Fanboy Nightmares. Read on for the events that would bring forums to a standstill.

10. GTA franchise becomes a shadow of its former self

Following EA’s acquisition of Take-Two, we see major dilution of the GTA brand. Not only do we get yearly ‘traditional’ GTA games, resulting in shorter experiences, we also get spin off titles. The first is Need for Speed: GTA which sees players taking on the role of a police driver who gives chase to the many criminals who have appeared in the GTA video games. In one chase you are driving a SMART Car giving chase to GTA: San Andreas’ CJ who is trying to escape the crime scene on BMX. Fans are so angry that they retaliate in the only way they know how: stop posting videos of huge explosions on YouTube.

9. Nintendo releases a real-world Mario FPS

In a drastic move away from fantastical Mario video games, Nintendo releases a Mario FPS. The game is set in the modern day with Mario now a young detective whose father is killed by notorious crime lord Bowser. In a tale of revenge Mario has to fight his way deep into the criminal underworld until he comes face to face with his father’s murderer and can deliver payback, Italian style. It’s an adults only title because of its strong language, sexual content and extreme violence. Mario fans would never be the same again.

8. Diablo III announced for consoles only

After waiting for years for the next Diablo to arrive on the PC, fan excitement reached fever pitch as an announcement drew imminent. What happened proved to be one of the darkest days in PC gaming history. Blizzard announced that Diablo III would be a PS3 and Xbox 360 exclusive. The Blizzard faithful were quick to react, starting a mass campaign for World of Warcraft players to cancel their subscriptions in protest. It turns out that the PC ‘hardcore’ only accounted for a minor percentage of overall WoW players, leaving Blizzard unharmed and the fans seething.

7. Sony begins to charge for PS3 online play

With Microsoft making millions from its Xbox LIVE subscribers Sony decides there’s too much money to be had through charging for access to the PSN. A PSN Diamond subscription (£40 a year) becomes mandatory in order to play any PS3 game online, although users can opt for a free PSN Platinum service which offers access to the PlayStation Store and its content – some new release items will require a Diamond account in order to gain immediate access. Xbox 360 owners laugh and PS3 gamers can’t quite believe what’s happening.

6. GTA 4 Xbox 360 DLC is incredible

We’ve all heard both sides of this on-going fanboy debate. On the one hand Xbox fans are claiming the new exclusive downloadable content will make the Xbox 360 version of GTA 4 the only version worth buying. Sony fans obviously think that the new content won’t be worth the digital storage space it’ll take up on overpriced Xbox 360 hard drives. So should the new content turn out to be the best DLC ever to grace this new gaming battleground, you can bet PlayStation 3 gamers will be slamming the keys (with Caps Lock on) on their keyboard faster than what was thought to be humanly possible.

5. Halo 4 targets casual gamers

The wait for news on the next proper Halo release will drive gamers mad. After playing through the decent, but not amazing, Halo Wars and seeing new details on the unique sounding Peter Jackson Halo project, Microsoft announces Halo 4. The music kicks in at E3 2009 and sends shivers down the spines of everyone in the audience, but there’s a surprise in store. Master Chief appears on screen, and he’s holding a new gun. The perspective switches to the Chief and he’s seen shooting down Covenant soldiers – the camera pulls back and he’s in fact shooting at his TV. Halo 4 is a light-gun game compatible with a new Halo branded gun. Halo fans cry themselves to sleep for weeks.

4. Xbox 360 called obsolete by Epic

Despite having two smash hit games on the Xbox 360 in the form of Gears of War and its sequel, Epic loses faith in the console. Due to a massive improvement in PC hardware Epic develops an enhanced version of the Unreal Engine 3 to take advantage of the new technology. While the new engine is said to run flawlessly on the PlayStation 3 thanks to its SPUs, Epic states that it won’t run on the dated Xbox 360. Gears of War 3 hits the PS3 first, with a gimped version arriving on Xbox 360 six months later. Many Xbox 360 fans die in what becomes known as Bonesaw Massacre Monday.

3. Samus revealed to be a man in drag

Following the release of Metroid Prime: Extinction for Wii, A Nintendo designer reveals that original sketches of Samus saw the iconic character portrayed as a man. Additionally the character was never changed into a woman, instead designers simply applied several layers of make up and gave the male character strap-on fake breasts. Over the years Samus became more feminine in appearance, but according to the designer is still revealed to be a man once makeup and clothing is removed. From then on Metroid fans felt shivers every time Samus’ eyes reflected in his visor.

2. Zelda movie isn’t quite what fans wanted

After the hype generated from IGN’s quite excellent The Legend of Zelda April Fool’s Day movie trailer, move studios wised up to the money making potential of a real Zelda movie. Nintendo announces that it has a big announcement to make about the Zelda franchise and that it isn’t about a new game. The day of the announcement arrives and rumours are everywhere. Could the director be Peter Jackson or Guillermo del Toro? Out steps Shigeru Miyamoto dressed as Link – the gathered crowd is going mental. “I’d like you to meet a good friend of mine,” he says. Out steps Uwe Boll. The tears of Nintendo fans wash Miyamoto away and he’s never seen again.

1. Metal Gear Solid 4 looks better on Xbox 360

After much jubilation from Sony fanboys (and gamers in general) in June 2008, when MGS4 cleans up at retail and gains numerous shouts for game of the year, news arrives of an Xbox 360 version. Months pass without any news on the game, but then the unthinkable happens. The game is shown to press and, shock horror, it looks better on the Xbox 360. Internet forums the world over cease to work due to server meltdown and Xbox 360 die-hards launch a campaign of “We told you so” so strong that the world of gaming is never the same again.