Mass Effect 2 - Kasumi - Stolen Memory - No boxshot available.

Mass Effect 2 - Kasumi - Stolen Memory Review for Xbox 360

On: Xbox 360PC

The downloadable add-on, which delivers new playable character Kasumi Goto, the galaxy’s most enigmatic and cunning master thief.

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Meet Kasumi Goto. She has a sexy purple thing on her bottom lip. You can't bite it off.
Meet Kasumi Goto. She has a sexy purple thing on her bottom lip. You can't bite it off.

Meet Kasumi Goto. She has a sexy purple thing on her bottom lip. You can't bite it off.

After completing Kasumi's Stolen Memory, the first premium downloadable content released for incredible RPG/shooter Mass Effect 2, I thought to myself, 'man, this would have been so much better if it had more cock'.

Forget the fact that it's short (the loyalty mission won't take you longer than an hour to finish), and the fact that Kasumi Goto, the sexy rogue-like party member the DLC introduces, is about as interesting as a tree stump. Instead, concentrate on this: there's a moment when you'll do a double take as you realise that developer BioWare has inexplicably left out perhaps the most famous "bit" of all.

I'm talking about Michelangelo's David, which is beautifully rendered in-game as part of an impressive antique collection owned by an up-market gangster Shepard and Kasumi are trying to steal from. Now, the cultured among you will know the "arty farty" reasons for the sculpture's masterpiece status. Me? All I know is David's famous because it's a statue of a man with his dong out.

It's actually the high point of the DLC: when you finally get to infiltrate Hock (the big bad boss)'s personal collection of ancient artefacts, and you spot David standing proudly among other iconic pieces including Liberty's head, sculptures of alien races (and one Easter egg for Dragon Age fans), it's an undoubtedly cool moment. But you can't help but feel that something's missing, namely: David's cock.

I suppose there's a somewhat plausible explanation for David's unfortunate castration. He's missing an arm and a leg - evidence, perhaps, that in the years leading up to Mass Effect 2's 2183 setting, David took a tumble and broke. But to me this is a cop-out. David should have his cock. No-one stole it or, god forbid, broke it off. It should be there, and BioWare left it out.

In combat, Kasumi works like the RPG rogue archetype, with stealth and backstab abilities.

In combat, Kasumi works like the RPG rogue archetype, with stealth and backstab abilities.

Why? Who knows? My best guess is BioWare didn't think a floppy (or is it hard 'cause it's stone?) cock would fit with Mass Effect 2's 15 age rating. Either way, its absence speaks volumes. How odd it is to criticise a game for not having enough cock, when games generally get it in the neck for daring to show even the slightest hint of side boob. Indeed BioWare perhaps knows this better than any developer. Has the farcical furore surrounding Mass Effect's damp squib of a sex scene dissuaded BioWare from risqué content?

Whatever the truth, David's missing member is apt: as you play through the DLC, you get the feeling there's something missing from the overall package. Kasumi's loyalty mission may be different in terms of gameplay and gorgeous in terms of graphics, but it feels so throwaway that you can't help but feel ever so slightly ripped off.

And that's despite the relatively cheap price tag. At 560 MS Points (just under a fiver), Kasumi's Stolen Memory isn't too hard on the wallet. But if you equate that to an hour's worth of new Mass Effect 2 gaming - however impressive - that fiver starts to feel expensive.

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5 Comments

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mrgarrettscott's Avatar

mrgarrettscott

I found it surprising to find the word cock used so liberally in the review. It is quite possible that full frontal - on a statue - might not fit into age 15 rating. But why waste two paragraphs on it? Point it out and move on.
Posted 18:22 on 04 May 2010
SexyJams's Avatar

SexyJams

I thought it was pretty good.
I liked what she had to say, even without the wheel.
And I thought hte mission was a good break from the normal chasing after a dude with waves of enemies.
I loved it :D
Posted 19:23 on 14 April 2010
Clockpunk's Avatar

Clockpunk@ IndoorHeroes

I was hoping for something akin to Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening to be the reveal of that 'huge project' from Bioware the other week - and ll we got was that *****ty Bazaar which us Europeans couldn't be a part of anyway.
Posted 16:23 on 14 April 2010
IndoorHeroes's Avatar

IndoorHeroes

A fiver for an hour? That dog won't hunt Monsignor! With the story fully wrapped up for me I feel pretty much zero compulsion to jump back in and recruit new members, I really need that narrative to push me along.

If they released a new micro story as DLC, perhaps not even following Shephard, kind of like the episodes for Liberty City, then I'd be all over that.
Posted 16:05 on 14 April 2010
renegade's Avatar

renegade

"Kasumi isn't particularly interesting" really I thought she was really cool, its a shame she does not talk that much after the mission to be fair, but I liked the mission some of the little "hidden" things are cool like some of the art.
Posted 15:46 on 14 April 2010

Game Stats

Mass Effect 2 - Kasumi - Stolen Memory
6
Out of 10
Mass Effect 2 - Kasumi - Stolen Memory - No boxshot available.
  • Looks fantastic
  • Unique infiltration gameplay
  • Kasumi isn't particularly interesting
  • Over too soon
Agree? Disagree? Get Involved!
Release Date: 07/04/2010
Platforms: Xbox 360 , PC
Developer: Bioware
Publisher: Electronic Arts
Genre: RPG
No. Players: One
Rating: BBFC 15
Site Rank: 15,372 108
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