"Hello! I'm Sakura, everyone's favourite nurse. You want a full body check-up? Let's play cards. If you impress me, I might give you my special treatment!"
So begins Sexy Poker - an epic voyage into the dark heart of humanity. It's got depth, it's got stunning graphics, and it's got addictive, constantly-surprising gameplay. Actually, it's got none of those things - because this is a game where you play cards to make ladies' clothes fall off. But these aren't just any ladies; they're pneumatic anime babes who work in a range of professions. There's a nurse, a police officer and a race car driver, among others. And in an unexpected and terrifying twist, they all sound like Mickey Mouse.
Sexy Poker is a 500 point WiiWare game that lets you play either Texas Holdem' or Blackjack against one of six cartoon strippers, represented by largely static pictures. When you win a certain amount of cash from one of these poverty-stricken vixens, they'll be forced to sell off an item of clothing. Rather than just taking off the garment, it actually disappears before your very eyes. I presume that this effect is intended to underline the irreversible nature of the girls' slide into beggary and pauperism; either that, or it allowed Gameloft to save a few quid on animation.
To be honest, there's only one thing you need to know about Sexy Poker: by holding down the B button on the Wii Remote, the heads-up display disappears entirely. At this point it's just you, the Wii, and a picture of a half-dressed hentai volleyball instructor. And a locked door. And your eternal, private shame.
Aside from its dubious titillation value, Sexy Poker has precisely two things going for it. Firstly, it's called "Sexy Poker" - easily the greatest title of any game on Nintendo's little white box. Secondly, it's got a sense of humour. During play your busty opponents will taunt you with smutty comments: "You'll never be able to tell what cards I have, but I'll always know what's in your hand!" says one. Sadly, these jibes are only delivered via on-screen text. The game does use vocal samples when announcing its bets, but as I've already mentioned, they sound like Disney's iconic mouse during a bender on the happy pills.
The actual card games themselves are extremely basic. Blackjack doesn't even let you split pairs, and while the more challenging girls do show some signs of self awareness while playing poker, it's hardly like sitting down with Dave "Devilfish" Ulliot. But then again, what did you expect? It's a video game called Sexy Poker; you know exactly what you're getting for your £3.50, you filthy mongrel. If you spend your hard-earned cash on this, you really only have yourself to blame. God may forgive you, but I won't.