Pro-G picks out the games the BBFC should be paying real attention to
When the news filtered into Pro-G HQ that the BBFC had banned the toned down version of gory action game Manhunt 2 despite it being cleared for release in the US, it got us to thinking. As ridiculous a situation as this is, we believe that some games do deserve to be banned, and that being an adult is not enough to help us separate the real from the virtual. The only problem with the Manhunt 2 thing is the BBFC has banned the wrong game. Here we compile the Top 10 games the BBFC should ban instead of Manhunt 2, on account of them scarring our lives forever with bad game design, poor graphics and, well, just being wrong. Read on BBFC guys, you might learn something.
10. Any Burnout game. In Burnout, you drive sports cars around city streets at ridiculous speeds causing mayhem at every turn. You're encouraged to crash, and when you do, time slows down so you can marvel at your recklessness. Time slows down! If that's not glorifying car crashes I don't know what is. And the worse thing? It's rated 3+ by PEGI. 3+! This game is teaching the next generation of drivers that they can ram head-on into oncoming traffic and somehow look cool doing it. This cannot go on. Ban it BBFC.
9. Bomberman Live, Xbox 360 LIVE Arcade. Bomberman should be banned because it encourages you to kill your enemy with well placed and well timed bombs. Forget Afghanistan. Forget Iran. Xbox LIVE is the biggest and scariest terrorist training facility there is, and Bomberman LIVE is the terrorists' deadly secret weapon. Microsoft should be ashamed of itself for harbouring future terrorists. It should be ashamed of providing such a devastating tool to gamers, so that they might subconsciously learn how to blast God-fearing Westerners into the second coming with flawless execution. I call upon the UN, the EU and the Daily Mail to join my angry mob. Ban time.
8. Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland, Nintendo DS. Apart from having to play as the green leotard-wearing Rupee obsessive from the Legend of Zelda series, Tingle's bartering system is about as traumatic as it gets, and has affected us in ways I'm not sure we'll ever recover from. In the game, people won't speak to you unless you pay them. If you don't offer enough, they remain tight-lipped BUT KEEP YOUR MONEY. This just isn't fair. Young impressionable entrepreneurs should not be made to believe this is acceptable bartering behaviour. Imagine the chaos it would create at McDonald's. Ban asap.
7. Any Worms game. The worms in Worms are not worms as we know them in the real world. They are weapons specialists with unnerving accuracy with a grenade. Play Worms for any great length and you start to get second thoughts about going down the park for a kick about or having a barbecue in the back garden because you never know when those pesky blighters will poke their heads up and fire a rocket up your ass. Proper psychological damage is Worms. It's too late for us, but others may be saved. Please ban this now BBFC, before it's too late.
6. Any Resident Evil game. If you get stuck in Resident Evil, you can usually find a solution to the mind-bending frustration by mashing the X button while walking along every wall in every room until you interact with something you've missed. At first it's annoying, but after a while you start to get a twitch, a rogue vein appears in your temple and your foot begins to tap at 100mph - then it becomes crazy fun. You can spend hours burning a hole in the X button while wall walking the entire environment. Why bother with killing zombies or dealing with deadly viruses? There's shotgun shells in a cupboard somewhere and they must be found. Then, when the electricity cuts out and you have to stop playing, you can do the same thing in your bedroom. It's amazing what crawls out of the woodwork. BBFC priority ban.
5. FIFA 2008, Xbox 360 and PS3. If you haven't already read our review, read it now. The players look fat. Not in a Frank Lampard or Wayne Rooney way either - actually fat. Chelsea star striker Didier Drogba looks like he's eaten all the pies and Tottenham hero Ledley King looks like the Fresh Prince's dad. Why should this graphical anomaly mean the game should be banned? Because it's teaching millions of impressionable young people that being obese will lead you to football stardom. It won't kids. You being crap at football and not being left-footed will be your downfall, not stretch marks. But us saying so can only do so much. Banning the game will show the fatties that obesity doesn't lead to riches, stardom, and dense but gorgeous Girls Aloud members. Over to you BBFC.
4. Metal Gear Acid, PSP. When you encounter an enemy, you fight by dealing a card. This is incredibly disturbing. It's just not how it works in the real world. Picture this: imagine being mugged at the 159 bus stop. "Give me your money NOW!", he says while holding a knife to your eyeball. "Hold on a moment sir", you reply, reaching into your pocket. "I have a front evade card here, therefore you cannot mug me." No, it doesn't work like this in the real world. And we should not be teaching our young people that it does. When being mugged do not counter it with a card you bought from eBay for £20. It will not save you from destruction. Run. Run like the wind, and hope whoever is attacking you doesn't ride your slipstream and swipe that PSP right out of your back pocket and stick the knife in your kidney for being cheeky. Ban.
3. World of Warcraft, PC. This game, or WoW as it is affectionately known to addicts, should be banned because it is the gaming equivalent of repeatedly punching yourself in the nose without being able to stop. The psychological motivators at play in the game result in sweatyness, bad breath, weight gain and an aversion to natural light. And what for? Insanely boring and repetitive quests: visit NPC, get order for 20 bits of cloth from wizards halfway across the world, spend 10 minutes travelling to location revealed by gold selling cheat website, spam frostbolt for two hours as you struggle to get 20 bits of cloth from wizards because 50 other players are trying to do exactly the same thing as you at 4am, spend ten minutes getting back to NPC, find NPC has been killed by enemy player, wait ten minutes for it to respawn, wait for you to respawn because level 70 rogue has killed you, give 20 bits of cloth to NPC. Level up. Repeat with more difficult wizards and more rare bits of cloth ad infinitum. Ban this rubbish BBFC. For the love of God ban it.
2. Halo 3 online, Xbox 360. Never before has the term "game experience may change when played online" been more appropriate. Halo 3 is great fun with friends, but when played with people you don't know, especially teenagers, and especially American teenagers, it no longer becomes fun. It becomes a living nightmare, a barrage of insults straight from the sweaty bedroom of some over-sexed boy whose balls haven't dropped. This is a traumatic experience indeed. "YOUR MUM'S A FAG. YOUR DAD'S A FAG. EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH IS A FAG. YOU ARE A FAG." Enough. Today's teenagers need to know they can't speak to people like this. Shame on you Microsoft, for creating a hugely popular anonymous online environment where people say what they want without fear of retribution. If you're not going to make people's addresses appear by their gamertag, then we call on the BBFC to ban Halo 3, and perhaps all online gaming. Now.
1. The Nintendo Wii. Controversial. But right. Here's why. You might smack you're Mum in the temple mid backhand. That's traumatic. You might break your TV as a result of some overzealous bowling action. That's even more traumatic. Oh, and you have to wear trendy clothes and kind of remind your friends of someone from Hollyoaks - that's as traumatic as it gets. But the number one reason why the Nintendo Wii is our number one thing that should be banned instead of Manhunt 2 is because it makes you look like an idiot. A nerdy, games playing idiot, waving your arms about like a crazed car salesman, rotating your hips because it was acceptable in the 80s and shouting like a highstreet drunkard not because it's fun, but because you can't believe what's happened to your beloved Zelda game. Ban this sick filth BBFC. BAN IT NOW.
What do you think? Let us know about the games that should be banned instead of Manhunt 2 below.