World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King Features for PC

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Oh look, it's February 14th! Guess it must be time for an obligatory Valentine's Day feature... without any further ado, here's our list of five titles that show why gaming just can't do romance. Also, we'll be reviewing each game on the basis of whether or not it lets you kiss your wife by pressing a button.

Heavy Rain

The biggest mystery in Heavy Rain isn't the identity of the Origami Killer – it's the answer to the question "What the hell is going on in the head of Madison Paige?".

Madison is ostensibly a photojournalist, but we never really see her writing or taking pictures. More bizarre than that is the fact that once she stumbles across a genuine, bona fide scoop – fugitive danger-Dad Ethan Mars – she immediately falls in love with him. I understand that she's suffering from insomnia (according to a swiftly-abandoned subplot) and so her judgement might be affected, but even so, he's hardly a catch: he's miserable as hell, may have mental health problems, and has a habit of losing his children.

On top of this, Madison usually runs into him right after he's been tortured by some form of physical trauma, leaving him covered in hideous wounds. As Ethan also makes no effort whatsoever to seduce her, I can only conclude that she has a fetish for missing fingers and electrical burns.

Actually, electrical burns are pretty hot. Mmm, you smell like cheap bacon!

Press X to kiss wife? Absolutely, Heavy Rain is the Godfather of the sub-genre. You can kiss your wife, help her with the shopping, and even slam plates onto a dining table, resulting in simulated disapproval.

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BC_Animus's Avatar

BC_Animus

Kinda sad the companion cube wasn't mentioned anywhere btw...
Posted 04:03 on 15 February 2012
BC_Animus's Avatar

BC_Animus

Farenheit was a real disappointment for me. I loved the game, and it had sooo much potential, but the story ruined it. Nothing made sense, and the hot-gal-falling-in-love-all-of-a-sudden-with-a-dead-guy-and-decides-to-make-love-to-him-in-front-of-homeless-people was just a huge WTF for me.
Posted 04:00 on 15 February 2012
pblive's Avatar

pblive

Excellent feature Neon.
Posted 14:47 on 14 February 2012
mydeaddog's Avatar

mydeaddog

I forgot to credit Martin in this feature - "Press X to Kiss Wife" is a term he coined!

**EDIT** Cheers for the kind words, everyone...
Posted 14:32 on 14 February 2012
87Sarah's Avatar

87Sarah

Entertaining read thanks Neon. Reading about Fahrenheit was pretty disturbing though. It's going to take a while for me to get that out of my head...
Posted 13:53 on 14 February 2012
coletrain's Avatar

coletrain

I was just about to play Bionic Commando; the plot of which, I was hugely interested in. Alas it has now been spoiled and soiled by you Mr Kelly.
Posted 13:47 on 14 February 2012
dudester's Avatar

dudester

The Fahrenheit comments actually had me laughing out loud as floored as parts of that game are its still one of my favourite games.
Posted 11:42 on 14 February 2012
Clockpunk's Avatar

Clockpunk

Interesting feature! Now... what about delving into the dark underbelly of Japanese non-exported titles? There's gotta be some quirky stuff in the midst there!
Posted 11:35 on 14 February 2012

Game Stats

Release Date: 13/11/2008
Developer: Blizzard Entertainment
Publisher: Blizzard Entertainment
Genre: Fantasy RPG
No. Players: 1 + Online
Rating: PEGI 12+
Site Rank: 74 1
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