EA Gamescom 2010 Live Report

Hello! This is Martin, and I shall be your pair of hands typing for the evening. Next to me in EA's rather lavish Palladium is Staff Writer supremo Jamin Smith, who looks more excited than a fat kid let loose in a candy shop.

EA is going to start its conference soon - we're hoping for some exciting nuggets of information, obviously. A official confirmation of Battlefield 3 seems likely, but Jamin really wants to see Mirror's Edge 2. As in, REALLY wants to.

Myself, I'm hoping to see some decent new Bulletstorm footage. That game looks crazy. A lady just asked people to move because they're having a hard time seating everybody. Jamin and myself already have seats as we are professional journalists to the extreme.

Though it did take us the best part of a day to get our mobile internet connection working. And we can't speak any German. We'd be lost without Adam and Neon, basically.

The event is about to begin, apparently. There's a big shiny logo on a screen saying EA. It's super big.

It's all dark and loud now and the logo is moving. Applause!

We're going to be shown 10 titles, according to EA bigwig Jens Uwe Intat. promised new games and new levels.

But we're starting with The Sims 3. The Sims are alive, apparently. That's a terrifying thought.

John Buchanan, VP of Marketing for the EA Play label, takes to the stage. He is telling us that critics have called The Sims 3 a masterpiece.

There is no other game like The Sims 3 on console, we're told. I think The Sims 3 on PC is probably going to be pretty close, to be honest.

But this version is going to have Achievements and Karma Powers. Sims can now get lucky and hit 'epic fail.'

You can also Design, Build and Share loads of Simmy gubbins without having to leave the game. 26th October is the date, we're told.

Rachel Bernstein, Senior Producer for The Sims Medieval, takes to the stage. For The Sims Medieval, obviously.

We're watching a live demo. Everything looks all medieval - castles and fields and peasants and kings and the whatnot. There's a wizard's tower. So there's probably wizards, too.

It was a time of pain and torture, so we're having a look at the stocks. Some dude gets a tomato thrown at his face. Jeer at the silly peasant man!

Now we're in the castle and two nobles are duelling over the affection of a fair maiden. The Knight wins. He's not like the Knight from Deadliest Warrior. He smooches the maiden. Saucy.

It's a brand new standalone adventure for the PC - coming March 2011.

Jonathan Bunney, VP at EA Bright Light, is now on the stage talking about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

There's no Hogwarts in it, apparently. Bunney probably hasn't finished reading the book, yet.

It's going to support Kinect, too.

James and Oliver Phelps are taking to the stage - aka Fred and George Weasley. They're going to demo the Kinect version. They're playing as Harry and Ron, presumably so one of them doesn't have to [SPOILER]

The Weasley twins are swinging their hands about like you'd expect. Characters move forward automatically, turning the game into a bit of a rail shooter.

There's some clear lag from when they move their hands and you see the action on the screen, but this could be due to the big screen. There's hands-on at Gamescom - we might check it out. Jamin has always wanted to be a wizard.

Jens Uwe Intat is back on the stage, saying how brillo Gamescom. We're going to be seeing Need for Speed, Medal of Honor and Bioware are going to be making two annoucements.

Steve Papoutsis takes the stage - executive producer for Dead Space 2. So we're looking at a bit of Dead Space 2.

The government are trying to resurrect the Marker, which is what caused all the problems in the first game. And you thought Clegg and Cameron were bad!

Isaac is floating around in space. His boots have thrusters, kind of like Iron Man. Iron Man could mess up his fair share of necromorphs, I reckon.

He's talking! He sounds like an all-American hero. I don't think he's voiced by Nolan North, though, which is a relief. He's freefalling into a building to save a lady friend. What a hero.

The PS3 Dead Space 2 limited edition - that includes Dead Space Extraction with Move support - is coming to Europe. There's some dates: 28 January 2011 for Europe. 25th January for America.

Matt Webster, Producer at Criterion, is showing off Need for Speed. It's all about Autolog - a live data stream which shows what your friends are up to. Matt wants to beat somebody else's time.

He's trying to evade the police while tearing down the rocky East Gorge Freeway.

The police are doing what police do - setting up roadblocks and trying to enforce the law. The fools. It's all very fast.

The day changes into night, probably to show off their fancy graphics. Matt is still behind, though. He won't be happy to see some helicopters show up, then.

Oh no, he just took first. And lost it again. And crashed through the finish line. But he beat the time. Good work, Matt!

It's a connected social competition, apparently. Pre-order the limited edition and you'll get two exclusive cars, and early access to four more.

Greg Goodrich, Executive Producer for Medal of Hono(u)r, takes to the stage. His beard is looking magnificent.

They're going to show off a new level at the Sony conference, which Neon will be attending. He'll back me up on Greg's absolutely incredible beard, too.

Meanwhile, we're watching some super secret military supersoldiers talking about how realistic Medal of Hono(u)r is going to be. Their faces are blocked out because they're so secretive.

And now the Doctor is in. Dr Ray Muzyka is up on the stage.

We're going to get some Mass Effect 2, Dragon Age II and Star Wars: The Old Republic news.

A Mass Effect 2 video - Mass Effect 2 is coming to PS3. People are applauding. January 2011.

Dragon Age II - the first Dragon Age was Bioware's most successful new IP, apparently. Mike Laidlaw, Lead Designer for Dragon Age II, takes to the stage.

It will have better graphics and a frame narrative. Two characters will recount the story of the hero - Hawk - over a ten year period.

And they're trying to jazz up the controls - when you push a button, they want something awesome to happen. They're not saying if there's a button that fires cream pies. That would be awesome. 11 March 2011 in Europe. Seems a bit soon, but okay.

There's a fancy CG trailer about destiny and fighting and stuff.

March 8 2011 for America, by the way.

Nathan Camarillo, Executive Producer at Crytek, is on the stage. He's going to show off the multiplayer part of Crysis 2. 12 players - 6v6.

You're going to get to customise your own nanosuit using perks, which sounds standard but pretty cool. The map is called Rooftops. They're on Rooftops. It's very smooth. You can punch people in the head.

The dude is stamping and sliding his way across the map. Super powers! Multiplayer team deathmatch!

It's got to be running at 60fps. I'm not sure what version they're playing, though it's 360 controller icons popping up on the screen.

There's also some thermal vision, detachable mounted turrets and lots of LOUD NOISES. I don't think saying that it's Crysis by way of Call of Duty would be unfair.

Now it's time for some Bulletstorm. Adrian Chmielarz and Tanya Jessen are on the stage. They're talking about Bulletstorm's story - that's a bit besides the point, isn't it? KICK THINGS IN THE HEAD.

The weapons they'll be killing with today are the standard Peacemaker Carbine assault rifle and the Boneduster - a four-barell pulse shotgun that can slice enemies in half at close range, or push enemies back at medium range. There's also a secondary charge shot that can melt faces. MELT FACES.

They're fighting the Burnouts, which are mutants with oozy pus sacs that you need to shoot. OOZY PUS SACS.

There's loads of cars and they are all on fire. The burnouts are screaming and being set on fire and thrown on spikes and kicked in the head and burnt and exploded. The guy kicks a car. KICKS A CAR.

There's a big mutant with teeth and you shoot it in the head. SHOOT IT IN THE HEAD.

The boss is called Hecaton (probably not spelt right) and it's real angry. BULLETSTORM.

EA Sports all-action sports superhero President Peter Moore takes to the stage.

It's time for some EA Sports Active 2. I bet you five quid he doesn't have his BMI tattoo'd onto his arm.

David Beckham is the EA Sports Active 2 poster boy. 19th November.

Attractive people in sports gear are now on the stage. I feel fat.

They're doing sports things, like lifting weights and aerobics. The game gathers biometric data and has accelerometers and probably magic. It probably won't make me thin.

Peter Moore is all about interactive fitness. It's billion dollar business, he says. Peter Moore probably sits on a throne of gold.

Now it's time for some FIFA 11. Tom and James Orry are probably crying with joy.

David Rutter is on the stage, and he's saying how great his team are. But what about the game, David? Refinements! Responding to Fan Feedback! Replay Theatre! Innovations! Football goals!

David Rutter is going through FIFA 11's many new features like a machine. The big annoucement is the new 11v11 Online Team Play mode.

Peter Moore is personally thanking the FIFA 11 team for their hard work and enough profit to fill his expensive platinum money vault to the brim with £50 notes.

I'm just reading the forum. We'd love to stand up, but Jamin and I aren't allowed to make a scene. Neon has said he'll kill our families if we do.

But that, everyone, is EA's conference. Thanks for joining us. I'm off to the bar so I can cry about the lack of Battlefield 3 news. Jamin has run off to cry about no Mirror's Edge 2. Don't forget to join Neon for Sony's conference in a bit!