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Mortal Kombat vs Hollyoaks

Hold on tight as the ninjas and demons of the Outworld go toe-to-toe with the slightly more attractive - but equally realistic - denizens of the "popular" tea-time soap opera. It's a pairing that makes perfect sense, when you think about it: Mortal Kombat is a game that features unsavoury characters torturing each other in unusual ways; the cast of Hollyoaks do pretty much the same thing, only their special moves are a bit more banal. Also, consider the fact that the first MK games used palette-swaps as an easy way of generating new characters - a tactic that Hollyoaks has also employed, as shown by the show's endless parade of identikit blonde pin-ups.

In both cases, the heroes and villains are given stupid names. In fact, "Scorpion" and "Shang Tsung" actually sound quite sensible when compared to "Mercedes McQueen" and "Ste Hay" - isn't this the show that was supposed to be set in the real world? Let's not forget another character who left the soap some time ago, that guy named "Bombhead." Bombhead! Give us a break - who, in this troubled post-9/11 world, would happily let people call him Bombhead?! Imagine trying to get through airport security - it would be a nightmare.

Verdict: Mortal Kombat wins

Hollyoaks earns credit for the innovative ways in which it kills off its cast. From randomly-exploding cars (Dan Hunter) to having people run into spikes in the dark (Andy Holt), the show never takes long to reveal its latest surprise demise. However, MK wins by virtue of the fact that it allows you to precisely control who has their face pummelled, and when. If we could do that with Hollyoaks, the entire cast would have been wiped out by now.

Next up: fanboys take cover

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